Rubber Cat Productions

11:58:57
11:58:58
11:58:59
11:59:00

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY

• Democrats answer a question from a talking snowman
• Joe Biden: "Hey, are you gay in these holes? These foxholes?"

• A nervous, sweaty Bill Richardson thumps his desk repeatedly

• Some debate moderator asks Obama how he can claim to bring change if he has a bunch of former Clinton Administration officials advising him. Hillary cackles and says "I'D LIKE TO SEE HIS EXPLANATION FOR THIS ONE," to which Obama cooly responds with "I look forward to you advising me as well Hillary"
• Obama becomes animated for the only time ever and yells that Hillary did nothing about workers while sitting on the board of Walmart
• Hillary Clinton freaks out about always getting asked the questions first and starts talking about saturday night live for some reason???
• ABC News' atrocious questioning, which includes asking Hillary "PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU. RESPOND." and grilling Obama on reverendwrightbillayersflagpinbitterclinggate for 40 minutes

• Mitt Romney announces that he wants to DOUBLE GUANTANAMO. Somehow this is not the most dickish thing he said in the debates
• Ron Paul, in a rare moment of intelligence, says maybe the terrorists attacked us for a reason other than "THEY HATE OUR FREEDOMS." Rudy Giuliani rebuts by shouting "9/11" repeatedly
• Some fourth-tier Republican candidate whose name I forgot explains his foreign policy: put fictional character Jack Bauer in charge of everything!!

• Fred Thompson interrupts a discussion about healthcare to crack a hilarious gay joke about how Mitt Romney loves mandates
• Mike Huckabee evades a question about the death penalty with a folksy joke about how "Jesus was too smart to run for public office" and gets heaped with praise for his hilarious wit. Months later, Obama evades a question about conception with "it's above my paygrade" and gets flack for it
• Alluding to Romney's many flip-flops, McCain says "my, you really are the candidate of change" after Mittens starts talking about how he's all about The Change
• At some "values voters" debate, questioners demand answers from empty podiums

• Pretty sure there weren't any memorable moments in the first debate, correct me if I'm wrong
• SAY IT AIN'T JOE THERE YOU GO AGAIN POINTING BACKWARDS AGAIN DOGGONE IT
• Tom Brokaw, Super Moderator: "I'm sorry gentlemen you will have to condense your talking points to less than 30 seconds instead of actually debating the issues"
• "Health" of the mother
• "Zero?!?"

• Life imitates the little-seen movie "Swing Vote" as McCain and Obama spend a substantial amount of the third debate talking directly to Joe the Plumber through the TV screen

6:03 PM: Obama and McCain just entered. Obama's wearing a t-shirt with William Ayers on it. Bold move.

6:07 PM: McCain tripped on an inadvertantly placed banana peel and fell down. Nobody is helping him up. Brokaw is just pointing and laughing at him

6:11 PM: McCain just tapped Tom Brokaw to be his new running mate?? what is going on

6:13 PM: Obama is just smoking a huge ass blunt while McCain is answering a question about the economy

6:16 PM: For some reason the C-SPAN cameraman is just filming close-ups of their feet.

6:18 PM: McCain: "I also wrote an ineffectual strongly-worded letter"

6:27 PM: Brokaw just left while nobody was looking?? everyone's just sitting around in awkward silence now

6:31 PM: McCain twiddling thumbs, Obama drinking lots of water

6:35 PM: they are whispering to each other now. my lip-reading is a bit rusty, but basically they are discussing whether or not to sneak a peek at brokaw's question list

6:39 PM: obama accidentally dropped his glass of water and it shattered. "did i do that?" he asks in urkel voice. audience cheers wildly

6:42 PM: not to be upstaged, mccain has started doing an archie bunker impression. keeps referring to obama as "meathead." he's pretty good

6:45 PM: mccain: "idk my bff joe?"

6:48 PM: FOSSIL FUELS??? WHAT IS THIS, THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES??? YEAH LET'S ALL JUST PROPEL OUR CARS BY MOVING OUR FEET. THAT WILL TOTALLY SOLVE THE GAS CRISIS. JESUS CHRIST

6:53 PM: audience getting restless now

6:58 PM: audience and obama just left. it's just mccain now

7:01 PM: brokaw just returned. "sorry about that, everyone, my bowels have been acting up a lot lately. hey where'd everybody go"

7:04 PM: mccain: "i am more than happy to play by the rules, tom." what a sycophant

7:06 PM: one of the debate people wrote "barack obama" on a piece of cardboard and put it on obama's chair, i guess to represent him?

7:07 PM: brokaw: "hey where'd my questions go?" mccain winks at the camera

7:08 PM: mccain just said american blood is our most precious asset. is he a vampire???

7:10 PM: brokaw is asking the piece of cardboard what it thinks about palestine. cut to close-up of cardboard. so awkward

7:13 PM: audience and obama are back. "we went out for some smokes"

7:15 PM: brokaw said he's just "hired help." is he a mobster???

7:16 PM: damn, sending punches via telegraph would be awesome

7:20 PM: obama just brought out a guitar and started shredding it

7:23 PM: now he's taking requests. one guy in section e shouts out "freebird"

7:24 PM: SMOKE IS LITERALLY COMING OUT OF MCCAIN'S EARS. HOLY SHIT

7:26 PM: mccain likes to talk about "big sticks" and "naked agression"

7:27 PM: now theyre all popping off their pants??? brokaw is taking out a tape measurer

7:29 PM: looks like brokaw wins this round

7:32 PM: last question: 5-letter word for "alteration"

7:34 PM: mccain: "reshape?" obama: "hope?" barr: "hey those directions you gave me were wrong"

7:39 PM: SARAH PALIN JUST RODE INTO THE AUDITORIUM ON AN ELEPHANT AND CARRIED MCCAIN OFF INTO THE SUNSET

7:43 PM: technicians are powering down brokaw. bob barr is shaking hands with people. obama is lighting up another blunt. on closer inspection it's an american flag

7:54 PM: everyone has left the building. they turned out the lights. cspan cameras are still running though?

8:00 PM: a bunch of ghosts just materialized. i can recognize richard nixon, adlai e. stevenson, teddy roosevelt, and abraham lincoln. not sure who the others are

8:08 PM: according to talking points memo they are earl warren, john adams, jeanette rankin, and thurgood marshall. they are all playing badminton

8:15 PM: the presidents lost