jack

June 24, 2015

chloe
Are you excited for the Adventure Time movie??

jack
wtf is an adventure time

chloe
Oh that's right I forgot, Adventure Time doesn't exist in this universe

chloe
CalArts was nuked along with the rest of Valencia in season 6, thereby depriving us of a generation of animators -_-

jack
this is why i fight terrorism, chloe

jack
to avenge the cartoons my granddaughter was cruelly deprived of patriotic

11:50:57
11:50:58
11:50:59
11:51:00

October 24, 2014

jack
so i behead some chump back in july

chloe
Again with this?

jack
then ***1 month later*** those isil dopes do the same thing

jack
hrmmm i wonder where they got the idea???/

chloe
Jack, just let it go already

chloe
I don't understand why you'd even want credit for that

jack
dammit chloe

jack
it s the fr**king principle of the thing.....

11:18:57
11:18:58
11:18:59
11:19:00

July 24, 2014

chloe
At this point, I think I'm the only friend you have left. Whether you want to admit it or not.

jack
hmm let me think

Willie, you and I are friends, right?

willie

jack and willie hug

jack
yup ur right

jack
cant think of anyone else in the whole entire world who id call a friend...

10:59:57
10:59:58
10:59:59
11:00:00

June 24, 2014

jack
.........

heller
Look, Jake, I know for that for some weird reason you're a bit squeamish about facilitating the assassination of a US president

heller
But trust me, an old man with Alzheimer's: acquiescing to a terrorist's demands and getting killed by a drone in the middle of a stadium is the only logical thing to do

jack
ok fine ill help u ~_~

heller
Where am I? Why am I here?? Oh right, the drone thing. Gonna make Lincoln look like a scrub 8-]

explosion

jack
i pushed heller out of the way during the 5 seconds we were offscreen

chloe
Great work Jack. Now let's hope the terrorists fell for my sophisticated cyber ruse

ruse

7:00:57
7:00:58
7:00:59
7:01:00

February 24, 2014

jack
oi mate a chav nicked me mobile

jack
blimey guvna we got some right bloody plonkers in the parliament

chloe
What are you doing

jack
were in london now we gotta blend in to skive the bobbies & narks

chloe
Uh ok

jack
give it a go luv

chloe
G'day mate, my dingo's gone walkabout at the barbie down by the billabong

jack
stonking job chloe were a couple a regular scousers now

jack
now im gonna roger some birds

4:34:57
4:34:58
4:34:59
4:35:00

August 24, 2013

palmer
jack

palmer
i need u

jack
no

jack
im retired

palmer
rofl

palmer
u always say ur retired

jack
this time i mean it

palmer
ya, sure

palmer
(rolling eyes)

jack
stfu


8:16:57
8:16:58
8:16:59
8:17:00

August 24, 2011

jack
is the bin laden bot ready

chloe
dude quit asking, there's like 20 wires I have to put into this thing

jack
hang on getting another call

jeff
Hi Jack. It's your estranged half-brother Jeff.

jack
hello jeff

jeff
Listen, I intercepted some of your conversations. I know you're building a robot implanted with bin Laden's brain so you can defeat it and be the big hero again. Please, I urge you to reconsider.

jack
it;s not fair you got 2 be the one to shoot osama

jack
that was supposed to be my kill!!! i called dibs back in 01

jeff
It's just how things turned out, what happened happened. Reanimating a dead terrorist mastermind so you can get back at me isn't the right answer. You must channel your anger and jealousy into a more constructive outlet.

jeff
As it so happens, I'm organizing a little project that I could use your help with. A little freelance work, if you will. You can't see it but I'm winking right now.

jack
(also winking) i read u loud + clear

jack
whos the target? gadaffi? kim jong-il? pelosi?

jeff
Our brother Edward. He is a disgrace to the Bauer name and must be destroyed. Will you join me?

jack
i was so wrapped up in my hatred of you that i completely forgot how much i hate eddie!!!

jack
im all in bro.

jeff
I'm glad to hear that, Jack. I'll get my fratricide gear. We'll be in touch.

jack
bye!!!!! ttyl

chloe
jack I finished the robot but it went rogue and smashed through ctu and killed a bunch of people!!! now it's heading for the 405!!! you gotta get down there asap!!!

7:40:57
7:40:58
7:40:59
7:41:00

July 24, 2011
jack
still no sign of bin laden

chloe
nothing on the radar either

jack
wait i think i see somethin over there

jack
nm just a tire

chloe
god, it's been over 20 minutes, at this rate we'll never find him

jack
oh wait there he is over there

jack
get the robot body ready

chloe
hey, um, I've been meaning to ask you

chloe
I didn't have time to build a whole new robot from scratch

chloe
so do you think it's ok if we use the sex robot I built last year? I mean, just temporarily, until I finish making the big threatening killer robot you wanted

jack
dammit chloe

jack
well discuss this when im back on land

6:57:57
6:57:58
6:57:59
6:58:00

June 24, 2011
chloe
remind me what we're doing again?

jack
jesus chloe get a freakin pen

jack
for the last time: im gonna dive into the ocean, save bin ladens brain, and implant it into a robot body so america has a constant threat, and i can go back to torturin people & stuff

chloe
i don't know about this jack i rather like fighting greenhouse gases

chloe
it's really calming and i feel like i'm actually doing something you know? back when we were bombing terrorists all we did was create new generations of terrorists... it was really bummin me out

jack
dammit chloe stfu and open another socket, im about to put on the wetsuit

jack
heh heh... id like to see jeff try to shoot an undestructable robot... thatll show him... maybe then hell stop bragging about shooting osama... then mom will see who the true hero is... and ill finally get the love and affection i never got as a kid...

chloe
uh i'm still on the line jack

6:23:57
6:23:58
6:23:59
6:24:00

May 24, 2011

i want to thank you for killing bin laden


oh.... uh.... thanks


it... it wasnt me though.... it was my half-brother jeff....


youre mumbling i cant understand a thing youre saying


anyway america is hella safe now and its all thanks to you. this has been the most important counter-terrorism operation in the past decade... hell maybe even the past century


dont remind me


yep... now we can finally start winding down our wars... we won't need all this national security apparatus anymore... starting today we're dismantling all our wiretapping programs


but... but... how am i going to read my neighbors sexts


ctu will be consolidated into the epa and focus on saving the environment


oh dear god


and finally we're turning all our torture dungeons into public schools


this is not happening this is not happening


once again, the nation is in your debt. thank you for your service. goodbye *click*


jeff..........

6:05:57
6:05:58
6:05:59
6:06:00

October 24, 2010

chloe
bad news jack sad

jack
whats up

chloe
uhhh.... this is a little hard for me to explain... embarrassed

jack
spit it out chloe i aint got all day

chloe
someone hacked into all our computers and got ahold of all the fanfiction i've written about you embarrassed

jack
what the hell


im a real life dude why would you make fanfic about me

chloe
look just forget about that for right now! anyway the hacker guy dumped it all on wikileaks and now it's all over the internet

jack
aw hell

jack
well is it at least good fanfic

chloe
ummm... see for yourself

The detainee was blindfolded, beaten about the feet and legs with a blunt object, punched in the face and head. Electricity was used on his feet and genitals and he was sodomized with a water bottle. Jack smiled as his dirty blonde hair shined in the hot Iraqi sun, and thought about his new wife Cassandra, the nerdy tech girl from work who was wild in the sack, waiting for him back at home. He bent over to the detainee and whispered, "OK, no more Mr. Nice Guy" as he flexed his sexy, sweaty muscles.

5:14:57
5:14:58
5:14:59
5:15:00

May 24, 2010

NEW YORK CITY
MAY 24
4:57 PM


so i guess this is it huh

mccoy
looks like it


where do we go from here

mccoy
iono... wherever life takes us i suppose

mccoy
i still got my ameritrade commercials. what about u?


im a dog in the marmaduke movie

mccoy
....


got someithig to say punk???

mccoy
no i was just wondering.... do u think i could get in on that

mccoy
i can do a pretty good fred basset impression


....ill ask around


g2g ttyl

4:59:57
    4:59:58
    4:59:59
    5:00:00

April 24, 2010

come on let me kill just one ruskie


no


please


NO! obama said not to


aw youre no fun


yeah well i'm the boss, applesauce


that means you gotta do whatever i say


how bout i give u a lil kiss


hmmm....

4:48:57
4:48:58
4:48:59
4:49:00

November 24, 2009

WHERE IS THE BUTTERBALL


Sir, if you would just put down the gun, I would be more than happy to assist y-


WHERE IS THE BUTTERBALL


Here! Here's your goddamn turkey! Just take it and go!


WHERE IS THE CRANBERRY SAUCE

4:34:57
4:34:58
4:34:59
4:35:00

August 24, 2009


HEALTHCARE REFORM?!? NOT IN MY AMERICA

4:11:57
4:11:58
4:11:59
4:12:00

June 24, 2009


i need you to hack into north korea's mainframe and deexecute the microkernals


i can't! they're barricading all captcha frequencies and retorrenting all foreign hexateredo bandwidth to a distubed cpu!


DAMN IT


wait... maybe if i disconfigure our ip ram, rechannel the arpanet bitrate and make my twitter avatar green...


yes! i've managed to retrieve a .csv with all their missile launch codes from their server!


great work chloe. upload it to my etchasketch

4:03:57
4:03:58
4:03:59
4:04:00

April 24, 2009


yeah so now im evil again or w/e


gosh dang it not again!!! grrr


WHAT IS YR INVOLVEMENT


weve infiltrated the white house


we're releasing the torture memos... all of them...


noooo.... nooooooo......


dont worry ur still my bro. ill black out yr name and make sure u dont get prosectued. we still cool?


:-)

1:10:57
1:10:58
1:10:59
1:11:00

February 24, 2009


yo dog i got a new plotline. u in?


shh theyre about to announce the winner of the best dead joker award


dog we got like 15 more episodes to do, lets go


cesar romero??? this is fucking bullshit

12:57:57
12:57:58
12:57:59
12:58:00

January 24, 2009


hey david sorry to bug you and everything but i need another presidential pardon or whatever


this terrorist dude says hes gonna wreck some shit up and this other guy wont talk til he gets immunity


hella lame i know but what can you do


why do you keep calling me david?

12:21:57
12:21:58
12:21:59
12:22:00

October 24, 2008

here are those torture authorizations you requested

11:58:57
11:58:58
11:58:59
11:59:00

September 24, 2008


ive managed to infiltrate the republican party at the highest levels


operation: pitbull is a go :-D


excellent work yuliya


wait hang on a second are you using a secure frequency


im using yahoo messenger via wi-fi


god damn it

3:41:57
3:41:58
3:41:59
3:42:00

August 24, 2008

we're getting a text message from the obama campaign


patch it through


hey this is joe biden


aw fuck


just wanted to let you know torture is illegal and im gonna be all over your ass if i find you torturin' when im vp


txt u l8r qt ;)

3:26:57
3:26:58
3:26:59
3:27:00

March 27, 2008


obama ain't got shit on me


oh shut up


homeboy gives a good speech


but can he lead the nation through infinite crises... yeah thats what i thought


you ain't done shit neither dogg


you just ring me up and go "yo jack kill these suckas"


hang on im getting another 3 am phone call

2:59:57
2:59:58
2:59:59
3:00:00

January 17, 2008


hey guy.... notice anything diffrent about me


uhhh


ya thats rite.....i grew a strike solidarity beard


surely this will stem the tide of the writers strike


or whatev


i dont think thats how this works

10:09:57
10:09:58
10:09:59
10:10:00

January 8, 2008


dog i thought you was dead


yeah well obviously i aint now am i


you better have a good explanation for this


well uh


the writers forgot to write one before they went on strike


~

9:20:57
9:20:58
9:20:59
9:21:00

September 21, 2007

sup


nm u


hey remeber that one time 2 yrs ago when i died


yah lol


lol~


brb


k

9:17:57
9:17:58
9:17:59
9:18:00

June 23, 2007


attention everybody


jack bauer has gone rogue


again? *yawns*


dont worry im coming to save you derek


my name is josh


yeah whatever

8:44:57
8:44:58
8:44:59
8:45:00

March 22, 2007


ummmmm


little help here/???

8:31:57
8:31:58
8:31:59
8:32:00

January 14, 2007


what up doggie


hey, uh


kinda busy at the moment


im calling you from my new iphone, its pretty neat


the fuck is an iphone?


its the hot new cell phone from apple computer


its got internet connectivity ipod functionality and the screen doubles as george forman grill


hey that does sound kinda neat


gotta go, batteries dyin

8:23:57
8:23:58
8:23:59
8:24:00

October 4, 2006


why didn’t you do more to put habib marwan and turkish crimson jihad out of business when you were president


OK, let’s just go through that.


do you think you did enough, sir?


No, because I didn’t get him.


right


But at least I tried. That’s the difference in me and some, including all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They ridiculed me for trying. They had eighteen months to try. They did not try. I tried.

So I tried and failed. When I failed, I left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy and the best counter-terrorist agency in the country.


mr. president thank you for one of the more unusual interviews


Fuck off.

7:59:57
7:59:58
7:59:59
8:00:00

September 13, 2006


good news man it turns out your wife isnt dead after all


really???


nah just messin wit ya :P


imma bop u so hard ur head explode

7:31:57
7:31:58
7:31:59
7:32:00

May 19, 2006

*~hey dude~*


'lo.


so... uh...


how is being dead


.....


you just have no tact, do you?

7:13:57
7:13:58
7:13:59
7:14:00

March 30, 2006

sop baby~


WTF


GHOST DAD


oOoOOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOooooo


aaaaaaaaaaaa


j/k ive been alive 4 the past year :P


0_0

6:59:57
6:59:58
6:59:59
7:00:00

January 21, 2006

hello


yes what is it


is ur refridgerater running


i don't have a refrigerator


........oh


......


*awkwardly hangs up phone*

6:50:57
6:50:58
6:50:59
6:51:00

November 11, 2005


listen man i just talked to the network


i got some bad news


....


somebody's made a huge mistake

6:27:57
6:27:58
6:27:59
6:28:00

September 2, 2005

hello?


Yo, what up dawg! Have you thought about getting a career in the Marines?? It's hella sweet, bro!


what

6:18:57
6:18:58
6:18:59
6:19:00

May 18, 2005

sup


sup


ur needed in the field


k


plz dont die


i <3 u


i <3 u 2


sup


o fuk

5:59:57
5:59:58
5:59:59
6:00:00

April 16, 2005

WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE


Hey, we're headliners baby. We played every fair in this part of the country. I mean, for top dollar, too!


OPEN ANOTHER SOCKET NOW


Jethuth Chrith hole your hortheth

5:35:57
5:35:58
5:35:59
5:36:00

February 2, 2005

A green dress, why do you ask?


......... no reason.

5:12:57
5:12:58
5:12:59
5:13:00

December 21, 2004

ffffff


look what is this even about


is your refridgerator running LOOKS LIKE YOU'D BETETR GO CATCH IT



wait i think i messed up

4:52:57
4:52:58
4:52:59
4:53:00

October 16, 2004

i <3 u


i <3 u more


no i do


no i do


OMFG A NUCLEAR BOMB WAS JUST DETONATED IN LOS ANGELES ON YOUR WATCH AND 1000's OF PPL ARE DEAD


4:34:57
4:34:58
4:34:59
4:35:00

September 24, 2004

TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!!!!


up ur butt lol


>:O

4:09:57
4:09:58
4:09:59
4:10:00

June 20, 2004

OH NO I HAVE THE VIRUS


plz stay calm we are working on an antedote ok


perhaps if we continue making dull sub-plots for you, we can bore the virus out


Mr. President, I've just recieved word that your girlfriend may have committed perjury, a reporter may go forward with an allegation that your son might have been involved in a coverup seven years ago, the head of the NSA is plotting against you, you might be dealing with faulty intelligence, your ex-wife is not trustworthy, your biggest contributor is threatening to stop legislation, and you are no longer the president because the cabinet has invoked the 26th Amendment.


hooray it worked

3:44:57
3:44:58
3:44:59
3:45:00

June 6, 2004

WHERE IS THE VIRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!


i'm not telling you lol ;-)


listen buddy either u tell me where the virus is or else i'm going 2 harm ur daughter >:-(


ok i will tell u


k


the virus is inside the president


OH SHI

3:37:57
3:37:58
3:37:59
3:38:00

February 21, 2004

sup jack u want sum of this


k


JACK PLEASE TRY TO PAY ATTENTION HERE


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.


KIM WHATS UP WITH UR DAD


sup jack remember me


JAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKK JJAAAAAAAACCCKKCKCKKC JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKK JAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK


Oh, Jack! I'm not really dead - I was just playing around! Come here, you!

4:20:19
99:72:63
17:61:02
56:22:41

February 13, 2004
(FRIDAY THE 13th)

i can help u get the virus ok


k


lemme c ur phone k?


k here


10 PRINT: "HACK"
TARGET: "CTU"
20 PRINT: "LOL"
LPRINT SAVE AS


WTF


i just hacked ctu lol


HURR WTF COMPTUERS R HARD :-(

2:10:57
2:10:58
2:10:59
2:11:00

December 11, 2003

hi


wtf u killed my wife >:o


o sry


its ok those things happen


k :)

11:43:57
11:43:58
11:43:59
11:44:00

November 20, 2003

sup


nm u


hey remeber that one time 3 yrs ago when i got infected w/ that disease


yah lol


lol~


brb


k

1:17:57
1:17:58
1:17:59
1:18:00