April 21, 2014
A month ago I stood here and announced I was forming an exploratory committee to see if I should run for president. Well today I’m here to tell you… wow I really misjudged my popularity. Oh geez oh man I bombed in every focus group poll we did. It turns out nobody likes me at all, not even a little tiny bit. So, it looks like I will not be running for president, after all. Sorry for wasting everyone’s time. (crowd applauds wildly)