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It seems a crafty teen tipster has managed to get ahold of a TOP-SECRET memo outlining the plotlines for the upcoming world-record 24th season of The Simpsons, purloined directly from the writers' room at FOX Studios! We've got the full memo after the jump.

IN THE NEWS is happy to report that comedian and former Simpsons writer Dana Gould is not a murderer.

Here's the deal: a while ago I learned from Wikipedia that Gould had used the pseudonym "Lawrence Talbot" for a Simpsons episode he'd written, Goo Goo Gai Pan, wherein the Simpsons go to China to help Aunt Selma adopt a baby. Curious about this intriguing bit of trivia, I decided to ask him about it in what I hoped was a friendly, professional e-mail:

dear mr. gould

i have a press inquiry: why did u use a pseudonym for the simpsons episode "goo goo gai pan"? or is wikipedia got it's facts wrong.

thanx

urs in christ,

adam

http://rubbercat.net/simpsons/news

Bill Oakley has done it again. Last Friday on Twitter, the former Simpsons showrunner revealed his personal top ten Simpsons episodes that were "pitched, discussed, [and] written," but, for whatever reason, never produced and lost to the sands of time.

Now, most of our competition would just lazily copy & paste the list and call it a day, but we here at rubbercat.net/simpsons have much more respect for you, the reader. We have attempted to dig up as much information about these would-be episodes as possible, from audio commentaries, interviews, and story outlines, to bring you the most complete picture of these extra-bonus-non-episodes as possible. Let's run through the list, shall we?

True Simpsons maniacs know that the show's reclusive creator, Matt Groening, hasn't been a part of the show since 1999, when he retreated to a yurt in central Oregon and cut off all ties with the outside world in a self-imposed exile. Well, apparently the Groenster has returned to the show, and he's been making some MAJOR, DRASTIC CHANGES that will be hitting your TV screens in 2012.

I just received this e-mail from an anonymous Simpsons employee, literally less than 4 seconds ago. This brave insider has put his or her career on the line by breaking the terms of his or her non-disclosure agreement to tell us this EXCLUSIVE tale of behind-the-scenes turbulence and tyranny. I am republishing hir message in its entirety because it has to be seen to be believed...

The Twittersphere was in a tizzy today when a series of Tweets from @BARTSIMSON_REAL appeared to indicate the popular Twitter account had been compromised.

For those who don't know, @BARTSIMSON_REAL aka "BART SIMSON YUGOSLAV" is the official Twitter account for Bart Simpson, who is real and Yugoslavian. Launched less than a month ago, the account has already gained over 3,000 followers and a writeup in the mainstream media (I'm also hearing rumors a book deal may be in the works). His Tweets have captivated the world and regularly burn up the retweet charts. A sampling of his output, for the uninitiated...

We have a saying over here in the news-media industry: it goes "Thank God* For Press Releases" (*replace with your deity of choice). Reporting the news can be such a hard, thankless job - breaking scoops, raking muck, threatening informants with bodily harm until they squeal - that it's always a pleasant surprise when a publicist sends us a press release that we can just republish in full and take the rest of the day off. So, from the bottom of my heart, and the hearts of everyone else covering the Simpsons beat, I just want to say "Thank You," to the publicists of the world! You are what keeps us going.

Anyway, our star insider Virgil Texas over at Klasky-Csupo just faxed us over this EXCLUSIVE press release about the upcoming 23^rd season of the Simpsons program. Wow! 23 seasons! It seems like only yesterday they were on Season 19. Let's see what magic the writers have cooked up for us this time...

Remember back in 2007, when about ten or so 7-Elevens across the country became Kwik-E-Marts as part of an unprecedented marketing push for the The Simpsons movie? Just about everyone agreed it was a genius promotional stunt. Well, now it's 2011 and it looks like Hollywood hackman J.J. Abrams has shamelessly copied the whole thing. Over 2,000 Motel 6 motels across the United States and Canada have been transformed into "Super 8" motels in order to market Abram's latest popcorn flick, Super 8. Each room has been specially designed to resemble the 1970s, the time period in which the film takes place. They've even made a super-convincing viral web site.

Back in February, we blew the doors off the biggest plagiarism scandal to rock the entertainment industry since Disney's wholesale appropriation of Osamu Tezuka's Kimba the White Lion (Really, Disney? "Simba?"): former Tonight Show guest host Conan O'Brien's blatant theft of The Simpsons' iconic "couch gag" in the titles of his new show. After three months of stonewalling our indisputable allegations, the thievery gang known as "Team Coco" has finally broken down and acknowledged the shameful theft in the titles of last night's Conan:

You can see it in action in this curiously unembeddable video. For the watching-impaired, the silhouetted family from Conan's titles returns home to find the Simpsons (including a Small Bart) making off with their television. Clearly the subtext is clear: Conan has stolen The Simpsons's couch gag, so the Simpsons are stealing a television.

Now, obviously this can't undo all the hurt and damage that has arisen as a result from their reckless disregard for intellectual property, but this acknowledgement is certainly a step forward on the path to recovery. While our editorial policy forbids the tooting of one's horn, we would be remiss without noting that once again, rubbercat.net/simpsons has achieved positive change as a direct result of our steadfast reporting. You're welcome, everyone.

Disgraced talk show host Conan O'Brien, who was famously exiled from network television for being such a bad man, has apparently resorted to blatantly ripping off the beloved American institution known as The Simpsons in an act of brazen desperation, a new low for this sad, sad man. In the opening titles of his new variety show on TBS, a silhouetted family drives over a bridge from a city and then runs inside their home to watch TV. Sound familiar? If that weren't enough, a wacky gag involving the family - a couch gag, if you will - occurs on Thursday shows.

As the Internet's number-one premier source for Simpsons news & rumors, IN THE NEWS is proud to be on the receiving end of many a press release. Not to brag or anything, but unlike our so-called competition over at Simpsons Channel and Yahoo! TV Webportal, we are sometimes privy to EXCLUSIVE press releases sent directly from Simpsons HQ! Here's one we got just the other day:

Dear rubbercatsimpso,

Despite what you may have heard, The "Simpsons," America's only TV family, is still going strong after all these years. Our ratings are as strong as they'll ever be thanks to the credulity of loyal viewers like you. The crew here at News Corp has just put the finishing touches on the rest of Season 22, and we thought fans might be interested in a little sneak preview of what's on tap.

S-AOL, or the 120 Days of Modem

In a special trilogy of non-canon tech tales, Lisa gets trapped in a promotional ARG, Bart gets trapped in an arcade game, and Homer surfs the web -- literally! He literally surfs the world wide web.

Salvia, or the 420 Days of So Dumb

In a special trilogy of non-canon drug diaries, Homer and Barney take a mescaline-fueled trip through the desert Southwest, in the process confronting the dark heart of the American dream; Bart and Milhouse overcome anti-yellow racism in their marijuana-fueled search for a Krusty Burger, in the process confronting the dark heart of the American dream; and Lisa embarks on an ecstacy-fueled picaresque set in late 80s Madchester, in the process confronting the dark heart of the British dream. Guest staring Morrissey.

Yellow, or the 120 Days of So-(Annoyed Grunt)

SEASON FINALE When Mayor Quimby, Reverend Lovejoy, President McBain and the Blue-Haired Lawyer kidnap several Springfield Elementary students and coerce them into committing degrading perversions that irreparably commidfy their sexual identities, it's comes down to Bart and Lisa to concoct the perfect scheme to save the humanity of their peers and themselves. But first they'll need some help. Lester and Eliza guest star.

Despite scheduling challenges from the NBA regular season and Bob's Burgers, we are confident most, if not some, of these episodes will make it to air by the end of next year. And in case you were worried, we've got *plenty* more of the cutting and relevant Fox News jokes our truest fans have come to know and love.

Best,

Virgil Texas
Associate Intern, "The Simpsons"
http://twitter.com/virgiltexas
"dont have a cow man! thank you to our brave soldiers serving overseas" - bart simpson

Simpsons insiders: send me all your exclusive Simpsons info, either by e-mail (simpsons@rubbercat.net) or by leaving it in the dumpster behind Rug Trader at the corner of Pico and Sepulveda!!!

Bart Simpson has had his fair share of enemies of over the years. Nelson Muntz. Principal Skinner. Sideshow Bob. The country of Australia. Space Mutants. But these formidable foes have been mere child's play compared to the deadliest enemy of all: the gender binary.

The Simpsons, of course, is no stranger to controversy. But in recent decades, the show's penchant for edginess has fallen by the wayside. And so it has fallen upon Simpsons Comics, the show's funnybook corporate sister, to pick up the gauntlet of provocative social commentary. From the looks of things, it appears the Bongo Comics creative team has risen to the occasion with this - dare I say - daring premise for an issue currently available in stores:

Bart becomes an Internet sensation after being filmed while donning a wig and performing for his friends at Springfield Elementary. Little does he know it will all lead to fame, fortune, and the all-you-can-eat backstage buffet as he becomes the new (female?) pop diva sensation...Torie Missouri!

Yes, that's right. Bart Simpson is being enlisted to fight in the war against Gender.

Think Wikileaks is the only organization that can bust out top-secret information on the 'net? Think again! Once again, a top-secret informant who works on the show has sent us some EXCLUSIVE information about upcoming Season 22 episodes. If these plots are any indication, it looks like we're in for another "Golden Era"!

Here's our tipster's e-mail, reproduced in full:

good morning,

here at Simpsons Studios we've just finished another batch of new episodes of america's most popular tv show. here's what's on tap:

Homer's Earlier Work

After Homer's old vlogcasts are lampooned by Daniel Tosh, he tells Bart and Lisa the story of his early Duff Blue Ribbon-fueled romance with Marge in the heady days of 2007 Williamsburg. Guest starring M.I.A., Avey Tare, Tao Lin, and Ryan Schreiber.

I Can't Believe It's a Bigger and Better Updated Unofficial Simpsons Glide

Jealous of Marge's burgeoning gliding career, Homer buys a glider, much to the chagrin of Bart, whose own gliding ambitions have stalled. Meanwhile, Lisa finds herself in a predicament she can't glide out of.

Speaker of the House John [Annoyed Grunt]-ner

Disgusted by Obama's bear tax, Homer leads a one-man crusade to restore America to its former glory. Lisa breaks the news to Wendell about her powerful new beau. Guest starring Will Arnett, with Jon Stewart as Ignorant Man.

30 Schlock

Things go smoothly when uptight Miss Hoover takes the helm of the Krusty Show... that is, until an in-your-face Carl Carlson joins the cast! Guest starring Paul Scheer as a Krustylu page.

Episode About The Internet Awkwardly Written By Aging Gen Xers (working title)

When the townspeople discover that Lisa is behind their unflattering Wikipedia pages, it's a race against the clock as only one man can save Springfield from speedy deletion. Meanwhile, Bart tries to cash in on this meme craze, only to face some tough questions from Snowball II about the chicken nuggets. Guest starring Jimmy Wales.

as you can see we've got some great stuff coming up, and we need all the buzz we can get to keep the simpsons #1. also please note that most if not all of these episodes will be preempted by professional football and eventually played during summer 2013, if ever.

best,

Virgil Texas
http://twitter.com/virgiltexas

Remember, you can always send us your hot hot Simpsons info by e-mail (simpsons@rubbercat.net), by Twitter (@rubbrcatsimp), or by fax (as soon as we get our fax machine working)! [Twitter.com/virgiltexas]

In case you ever need further evidence of the creative bankruptcy of Current Simpsons, look no further than the episode titles themselves. Here is a list of titles from Seasons 21 and 22.

• Bart Gets a "Z" - Reference to Bart Gets an F, which was also referenced later that season with Bart's Dog Gets an F, and again in Season 10 with Lisa Gets an "A"
• Rednecks and Broomsticks - Pun of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, already parodied by Mypods and Boomsticks
• O Brother, Where Bart Thou? - Pun of "O Brother, Where Art Thou?," a fictional novel from Sullivan's Travels, already referenced by O Brother, Where Art Thou?
• Moe Letter Blues - Pun of Mo' Better Blues, already referenced by Moe Baby Blues
• Elementary School Musical - Incredibly lazy parody of High School Musical that had already been used by a South Park episode
• Loan-a Lisa - Pun on Mona Lisa, already referenced by Moaning Lisa, Moe'N'a Lisa, and Mona Leaves-a
• Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life - Reference to the catchphrase from This Is Your Life, already referenced by Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife
• Flaming Moe - Presumably, this is the title to an upcoming episode where "Moe's Tavern is converted into an ultra-trendy bar," which given the homophobic tendencies of the current show, undoubtedly means "gay bar." The title, of course, is a parody of Flaming Moe's.... essentially making a gay joke out of a title that was already a gay joke.

As all Gleeks know, the cast of TV's megahit Glee will be guest-starring in an upcoming Simpsons episode entitled "Elementary School Musical," scheduled to air September 26, 2010. But rubbercat.net/simpsons has EXCLUSIVELY obtained your first look at how your favorite Glee characters will look Simpsonized:

simpsons glee gleeks omglee gleetastic fox musical theatre theater spoilers simpsons pictures images matt groening simpsonized elementary school musical jane lynch sue sylvester mark sailing puck chris colfer kurt hummel kevin mchale artie abrams amber riley mercedes jones iphone android tina cohen-chang jenna ushkowitz search engine optimization

A top-secret informant has come forward with the plots of several upcoming episodes that will air in the upcoming 22nd season:

The Maude Squad
Maude Flanders returns to Springfield through an emergency exit door in Heaven

My Son Is Also Named A-Bort-ion
An old flame leads Marge to make a shocking revelation. Meanwhile Homer is tricked into becoming a pissboy. Jon Lovitz reprises his role as Jay Sherman.

Now You See It, Now You Donut
A diet hypnotist makes Homer blind to fatty foods. Guest starring Mel Brooks and Rep. Joe Wilson.

Kenya Feel It?
At Grampa's urging the Simpsons travel to Hawaii to find President's birth certificate.

Love Hack
Lisa starts a successful web 2.0 startup only have her code stolen by Mark Zuckerberg. Homer constructs a tin roof. Guest starring Justin Long and Jon Hodgman, with Heidi Montag and Kim Kardashian as "shack sluts"

Feel free to send us your hot Simpsons tips by e-mail (simpsons@rubbercat.net) or by Twitter (@rubbercatsimp). We take great pains to ensure the anonymity of our sources. [Twitter.com/virgiltexas]

Hey, you! Do you know who Mark Zuckerburg is? If not, you soon will, because 2010 is the Year of Zuck! He's the cat who made the popular Friendster clone Facebook, which is currently in "hot water" for selling all of its users' personal information to the Taliban in exchange for drugs. The outrage is so widespread that it even made the cover of Time Magazine, which is apparently considered a big deal!

As the face of Facebook (I hope you enjoyed this phrase!!! I stayed up all night writing it!!!), you can expect to see the Zuckster's mug - which by the way used to be in the goddamn logo seriously what kind of weird egomaniac does that - all over the place in news story after news story as this privacy brouhaha continues into the summer. If we're lucky, we might even see him look remorseful and say he's really sorry, just like the CEOs of Goldman Sachs, Toyota, and BP!

Then, in the fall, an unflattering movie based on an unflattering book about Zuckerburg, his creepy mentor The Napster Guy, and the creation of Facebook will hit theaters, bringing his extreme jerkiness and unethical behavior to the attention of general audiences. And it's in 3-D! Even if you don't plan on seeing it, Hollywood's relentless marketing juggernaut will ensure you'll see fake-Zuckerburg's face everywhere (except maybe on Facebook?).

Finally, if that wasn't enough, Zuckerburg will guest star as himself (!) on The Simpsons (possibly to soften his image after public perception of him takes a beating?). This is surprisingly timely for a show that took seven years to do an episode about 9/11! For once, The Simpsons is actually jumping on a trend while it's still sort of hot; it's pretty amazing they didn't go with Tom from MySpace. Could The Simpsons become culturally relevant again...? (Haha, no. They just did an episode about the Patriot Act, so I suspect it's only a matter of time before Bart joins a flash mob.)

Anyway, shortly thereafter The Year of Zuck will conclude with Zuckerburg being thrown into a volcano after America grows sick of him, the end.

While researching "SIMPSONS ALUMNI UPDATE 2010," I learned that former Simpsons writer Dana Gould used the pseudonym "Lawrence Talbot" on the "Simpsons Go To China" episode where Aunt Selma buys a Chinese baby who has never been mentioned since. Gould's use of a pseudonym struck me as peculiar: was it because of some legal thing? Could it be that a writer who started in the post-funny era could actually be so ashamed of his work that he would want to distance himself from it? What's the point of using a pseudonym when the genuinym is so easily findable on the Internet?

Now, IN THE NEWS is a Very Serious News Organization that takes great pride in its journalistic integrity - here is my real, actual, not-making-this-up press badge - and so, for answers, I went straight to the source: the only e-mail address I could find on his website.

From: simpsons@rubbercat.net
To: info@danagould.com
Date: Sat, Mar 20, 2010
Subj: lawrence talbot

dear mr. gould

i have a press inquiry: why did u use a pseudonym for the simpsons episode "goo goo gai pan"? or is wikipedia got it's facts wrong.

thanx

urs in christ,
adam
http://rubbercat.net/simpsons/news

From: simpsons@rubbercat.net
To: info@danagould.com
Date: Thu, Apr 8, 2010
Subj: press inquiry

Dear Sir Or Madam Whom It May Concern:

On the 20th of March I sent a press inquiry to this address, which as of this writing has not garnered a reply. I shall rephrase and repeat the question in hopes of an answer: why did Mr. Gould choose to use the pseudonym "Lawrence Talbot" for the The Simpsons episode entitled "Goo Goo Gai Pan" (production code #GABF06, original airdate 13 March 2005)?

I am an important member of The Press and I will not rest until I get an answer. A simple "no comment" will suffice. You may answer "off the record" if that is more palatable to you.

Yours in Christ,

Adam
Head Journalist, IN THE NEWS
http://rubbercat.net/simpsons/news

From: simpsons@rubbercat.net
To: info@danagould.com
Date: Fri, Apr 23, 2010
Subj: ultimatum

I've had it!!! Twice I have e-mailed this address for a simple answer as to why Dana Gould used the pseudonym Lawrence Talbot, and I STILL have gotten no response! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, DANA GOULD? If I don't get a response by April 30th, I will have no choice but to go public with unfounded rumours and speculation about Mr. Gould. YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM THE PRESS.

Adam
http://rubbercat.net/simpsons/news

Needless to say, I still have yet to receive a response from Mr. Gould or his associates.

So why is this guy, Dana Gould, hiding behind a fake name and stonewalling the fourth estate? Here are my theories:

• Dana Gould murdered a teenage girl during a trip to China
• Dana Gould shot up an entire orphanage
• Dana Gould was fired from Fox because of his rampant drug abuse
• Dana Gould is the reason The Simpsons is so bad now
• Dana Gould was ashamed of his name after discovering it is an anagram for "analog dud"
• Dana Gould was incarcerated at the time (prisoners are not allowed to write for TV)
• Dana Gould is a deadbeat dad attempting to hide his TV revenue from his ex-wife
• Dana Gould was in possession of evidence that could have brought down the Bush Administration
• Dana Gould was put into witness protection after seeing a mafia guy kill a dude
• Dana Gould's body is the current soul vessel for the entity once known as "Andy Kaufman"

No denials as of yet... hmmm....

After finding out former Simpsons writer David M. Stern (Bart Gets an F, Kamp Krusty) developed Ugly Americans (watch it!! it's cool), I got curious and decided to find out what some other ex-Simpsons people are up to. DISCLAIMERS/CAVEATS: 1. I basically only looked at wikipedia and imdb, so this could be rife with inaccuracies, etc. 2. With some exceptions, I don't care about anyone who joined the show after it got bad or only wrote like one episode 3. This is essentially limited to movies/tv, since the internet assumes people fell off the face of the earth if they're not doing something for mass audiences

Richard Appel (writer): Showrunner for The Cleveland Show

Wes Archer (director): Was working on The Goode Family until it got cancelled; unclear what he's currently doing

Brad Bird (director): Doing a live-action movie for Pixar (zuh????)

Daniel Chun (writer): Now writing for The Office

David S/X. Cohen (writer): His beloved baby Futurama returns in June on Comedy Central

Jonathan Collier (writer): MIA

Jennifer Crittenden (writer): Producing mysterious project called What's Your Number?

Greg Daniels (writer): Co-creations The Office and Parks and Recreation still going strong

Brent Forrester (writer): Writer for The Office

Ken Keeler (writer): Nerding it up at Futurama

Jay Kogan (writer): Executive producer for some supernatural live-action Nickelodeon show called The Troop; writing an adaptation of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Lauren MacMullan (director): MIA

Jeff Martin (writer/clown): MIA

George Meyer (writer): Occasionally contributes to The New Yorker

Bill Oakley (showrunner, seasons 7 - 8): Writing stuff from Portland

Conan O'Brien (writer): Legally prohibited from being funny on television

Jim Reardon (director): Presumably still Pixarin' it up

Mike Reiss (showrunner, seasons 3-4): While technically still a producer for The Simpsons (I think??), he's been doing a bunch of other projects like writing children's books, computer-animated movies, and the critically-unacclaimed My Life in Ruins

David M. Stern (writer): Developed Ugly Americans, which recently debuted on Comedy Central

Mike Scully (showrunner, seasons 9-12): Writer on Parks & Recreation

John Swartzwelder (writer): Still cranking out funny books from his secret underground lair

Sam Simon (executive producer/showrunner, seasons 1-2): Doing some poker thing

Jon Vitti (writer): Co-wrote an upcoming movie starring Steve Carell; currently working on something called "Boo U."

Josh Weinstein (showrunner, seasons 7-8): MIA??? Wikipedia says he's a producer on Futurama (again), but I'm not sure if I believe that

Frank Welker (voice actor, Santa's Little Helper): Most recent voice credit is "Additional Nuts Voice"

Lona Williams (beauty pageant winner/writing assistant): MIA

Wallace Wolodarsky (writer): Voiced an opossum in Fantastic Mr. Fox; adapting a Philip K. Dick story into a Disney cartoon

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

IN THE NEWS, the news section of the beloved award-winning Simpson's fansite rubbercat.net/simpsons, is proud, albeit modestly, to announce its major refurbishment! In moving from Blogger to Movable Type, IN THE NEWS has been completely redone to look like a somewhat presentable website. Here a look at the changes:

• Small images have been added to most every post to make them look interesting, and a handful of youtubes have been embedded. I don't know why I was so averse to including pics & vids on this thing
• Individual post pages instead of awkward jump-to-an-entry monthly archives!
• Archives are searchable! Now you can find out every time Utit Choomuang has been mentioned (zero so far)
• Categories are now clickable! I could never figure out how to style tags with Blogger
• There are a handful of posts from the first few months that I deleted because they were just me quoting a bunch of paragraphs from utterly uninteresting articles without adding commentary or context or jokes, which made me feel really parasitic
• More jokes added and old bad jokes have been tweaked to make them funny!!
• Fresher news on the rubbercat.net/simpsons home page since I don't have to do that manually now

The End

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