THOSE CLOWNS IN CONGRESS Archives

Herman Cain Channeling President Schwarzenegger From The Simpsons Movie

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain likes to quote movies. And not just any movies, but movies based on cartoon franchises. As reported by our sister blog, AnimeJihad, Cain quoted a song from Pokémon: The Movie 2000 during a debate last August. As any political analyst could tell you, it was a brazen dog whistle for the highly-coveted otaku crowd (a move popularized by Lee Atwater's so-called "Shounen Strategy"). Which apparently worked, because he soon shot up to frontrunner status.

Well now the Cainster is at it again. During a campaign stop in New Hampshire, Cain wheeled out his new talking point, telling his supporters "We need a leader, not a reader."

Cartwright to Atheist: Don't Have A Cow, Man

leaderNancy Cartwright, voice of Bart Simpson and a prominent member of the Church of Scientology, appeared before a legislative hearing at the Illinois State Capitol in Springfield (!) to stress that her Scientology-inspired character-education program is totally secular and should be taught to schoolchildren.

The Illinois School Code requires "character education," defined as "the teaching of respect, responsibility, fairness, [etc.]" to be taught in schools. A House Resolution filed by Rep. Daniel Burke (D-Chicago), recommended several programs and clubs that satisfy that requirement, including Cartwright's "Good Choices" program, of which the bill specifically "encourages its use and the use of similar programs by educators, coaches, mentors, and other community service leaders."

Cartwright freely admits "Good Choices" is based on "The Way to Happiness," a 1980 self-helf booklet by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, which teaches important lessons like "Do Not Murder" (precept 8) and "Don't Do Anything Illegal" (precept 9). While Hubbard's tract is advertised as non-religious, Newsweek noted that it "uses key words and concepts taken directly from Scientology's religious lexicon." Cartwright is a big promoter of the booklet; through her charity, she distributed a million copies of it to the San Fernando Valley in 2007.

Midterm Election Winners & Losers, and Their Simpsons Counterparts

Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell (R-DE): Lisa Simpson
o'donnell/lisa
Like Ms. O'Donnell, Lisa has dabbled in witchcraft and lied about her college attendance.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV): Mayor Quimby
reid/quimby
Nobody really likes either politician, but they can manage to hold on to their jobs as long as they're up against really polarizing candidates, like homicidal maniac Sideshow Bob or Tea Party weirdo Sharron Angle.

Gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino (R-NY): Fat Tony
paladino/fat tony
The tough-guy candidate threatened to "take out" a reporter, and wielded a baseball bat like a crazy man during his bizarre concession speech. Now, for legal reasons, I'm not saying Paldino is part of the mob, but he seems to be channeling Springfield mafioso Fat Tony.

Senate candidate Sharron Angle (R-NV): Maggie Simpson
angle/maggie
Nevada reporters tried to get Angle to answer questions, but she remained stubbornly silent, much like the perpetually binkied Simpson baby. Also, both appear to be in favor of exercising "Second Amendment remedies."

Well, class, the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test.

bonerlandAmerica was now discovered in 1942 by... [consults paper] "Some Guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's Boehnerland.

Why Do The Simpsons Hate The Troops?

annoyed gruntThis one guy, Representative Mike Honda (D-CA), is real mad because the Post Office rolled out some stamps with The Simpsons on them, instead of some stamps honoring Japanese-American WWII veterans. Money quote: "I question the direction USPS is headed when it pays homage to Homer Simpson over the sacrifice of our venerable Nisei veterans." BURN!!! The Stamp Police are all like, whoa, hey, we're not supposed to honor specific military units, because all veterans are equal in the eyes of The Lord Almighty or whatever. According to them, stamps are supposed to be "a reflection of our culture," which entails making literally a billion stamps with little pictures of cartoon characters plastered on them. These stamps are vitally important to America in order to "raise awareness about the show," because apparently slapping Homer's face onto every conceivable tacky piece of junk produced since 1990 just hasn't been raising enough awareness of The Simpsons these days (it's still on TV, you know!). Why does the Post Office, and by extension President Barack Obama, hate our veterans???

Also, ha ha, some nerd at Roll Call got a chance to show off his Simpsons knowledge by "incidentally" noting that Bart Simpson is a stamp collector, as mentioned in the fifth season episode "Homer the Vigilante" (episode 93, 5X12, original airdate 1/7/94, production code 1F10) [Roll Call]

Republican Congressmen Write Simpsons Fan Fiction

Your Elected Representatives are using Your Tax Dollars to write Simpsons fanfiction. There is no explanation for this.


Republican Senate hopeful Montgomery Burns today joined with Mayor Joe Quimby, D-Springfield, to support the Senate's gazillion-dollar SCHIP bill.

"If the poor children can get a piece of the action, why can't I?" explained Burns at a MoveOn.org rally in Capital City. "The little darlings are needy? Me, too. I need somebody to pay. Quimby here says he knows a bunch of low-income nobodies who are ripe for the picking. Excellent."

Read the rest, it gets better. [House Energy and Commerce Committee Republicans via Wonkette]

Presidential Candidate Posts Simpsons Avatar On Myspace Page

doddHave you ever wondered what Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT), Democratic presidential candidate, would look like if he was a Simpsons character? Yeah, me neither, but here it is anyway. [MySpace via Wonkette]

Congressman Wants Attorney General To Investigate "Springfield" Contest


Last week, Congressman Peter DeFazio, of Springfield, Oregon, sent a tongue-in-cheek letter to Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez.

DeFazio was petitioning for an "investigation" of how Springfield, Vermont, could have won the right to host the movie premiere of "The Simpsons," over his own hometown.

I'm sure Gonzalez will get right on this as soon as he's done depriving everyone of their civil liberties [KTVZ]