1600 penn

1600 Penn: Season 2

INT. WHITE HOUSE BREAKFAST NOOK - DAY

NOT JONAH HILL saunters into the room in a T-shirt and boxers, yawning.

NOT JONAH HILL

Mornin' everyone.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN and the rest of the FIRST FAMILY are in their fanciest clothes, dumbfounded yet again at Not Jonah Hill's youthful insouciance.

NOT JONAH HILL

Um... did I miss something?

BECCA

It's Dad's Inauguration.

NOT JONAH HILL

Didn't we already have that, like, four years ago?

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

I was re-elected.

NOT JONAH HILL

What? How long was I asleep??

MOMILY

Go. Get your clothes on. We have to leave soon.

NOT JONAH HILL

Okay, okay...

He leaves.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

Honestly. Sometimes I think that kid is my biggest failure, after that Pakistani preschool I accidentally bombed.

MOMILY

Oh, honey. I'm sure he'll mature... someday. But where would we be without his hilarious antics?

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

Up 20 points in the polls.

You know, with all these weekly crises, it's amazing I got a second term at all. Our ratings were so bad...

MOMILY

Well, once America got to know us, I think they were ready to give us another chance. Especially after NBC finally put its full support behind us.

Becca raises her eyebrow quizzically.

MOMILY

The National Budget Committee, they're a really influential lobbyist group.

PRESS SECRETARY

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your son's hilarious antics - as well as, uh, the baby I sorta fathered out of wedlock with your daughter - are actually what saved us in the polls. They distracted the voters from our domestic and foreign agendas, and that definitely worked out in our favor, Dad. I mean, sir. I mean, uh, your excellency.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

Yeah, well, still. Lowest turnout in a century. Big whoop.

You know what? Things are going to be different this time. There's going to be some big changes around here.

(to MOMILY)

You, my dear, are going to stop following my son around on dates, breaking expensive china in a comedic manner, and being hysterical for no reason...

(to BECCA)

Becca, no more of this... baby drama. Understand?

BABY

[bleeped-out expletive]

BECCA

OK, that's going to be a problem.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

Other son, you're going to not be such a big nerd this time.

OTHER SON nods and throws his trigonometry book into a garbage can.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

Other daughter... uh... did you even do anything last term?

OTHER DAUGHTER

Nope.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

OK, well, good. Good girl. Just keep doing that.

NOT JONAH HILL re-enters wearing a tuxedo t-shirt.

NOT JONAH HILL

Alright, let's get this party started!

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

And you, son. No more goofy antics. No more telling foreign dignitaries to "chillax." No more peeing out of the Washington Monument. This second term is going to go off without a hitch, understand me?

EXT. CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN is being given the Oath of Office by THE CHIEF JUSTICE, a really frail elderly man.

CHIEF JUSTICE

I d-d-do solemnly s-swear...

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

I do solemnly swear...

CHIEF JUSTICE

That I will f-f-faithfully exec--

His eyes roll back into his head and he falls down, dead. The crowd is aghast.

PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN

Well, [bleeped-out expletive].

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