FUNNIE BUSINESS

A SCREENPLAY
Scenes 32-41

PREVIOUSLY: Opening Scenes | Scene 6 | Scenes 27 - 29


EXT. KLOTZINI COMPOUND - NIGHT

A large mansion. The lights are on and music can be faintly heard. A party is going on.

DOUG (VOICEOVER)

Roger Klotzini. Head of the Klotzini crime family. Big time pest, big time rat. He and his mob goons infest this city like a... like a huge zit on your nose on the night of a big dance.

We pull back to reveal that we are looking through a pair of binoculars.

DOUG (V.O.)

I knew that if I was going to infiltrate his compound, I was going to have be inconspicuous.

INT. MOODY SCHOOL COSTUME SHOP - DAY

JUDITH escorts Doug through a series of costumes hanging on racks.

DOUG (V.O.)

Luckily, I have a good connection over at a local school theater department.

CLOSEUP: DOUG'S LEG

as he puts on a pair of tights.

EXT. KLOTZINI COMPOUND - NIGHT

Doug, wearing a giant hamburger costume, creeps over to the side of the house by an oak tree. He peers into a window.

INT. KLOTZINI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The camera pans right and we see a large group of wealthy-looking partygoers shmoozing and dancing and having a good time. A big brass band plays a jazzy tune called "Shout Your Lungs Out."

The camera stops panning and zooms in on a nervous-looking blond woman (PATRICIA MAYONNAISE) conversing with a red-haired woman (BEEBE BLUFF), who sips from a highball.

EXT. KLOTZINI COMPOUND - NIGHT

Doug is momentarily stunned.

Remembering his task, he turns around and begins making his way up the oak tree behind him, climbing up to a second floor.

INT. KLOTZINI OFFICE - NIGHT

With considerable effort, Doug somehow manages to squeeze through a window into an office. The lights are turned off. He tip-toes over to a wooden desk.

Stealthily, he lifts up a maltese falcon paperweight and looks through a stack of papers. He finds a ledger and flips through it, but doesn't appear to find whatever he's looking for.

He freezes as he hears two people coming up the stairs.

KLOTZINI (OFFSCREEN)

I tell ya, they're not going nab me on no tax evasion. I've made sure of that.

DOUG

(whispering to self)

Roger.

Doug looks right and left for a place to hide.

KLOTZINI (O.S.)

I do my own accounting myself. Don't trust nobody with my money but me.

Doug tries to jump out the window but he gets stuck.

KLOTZINI (O.S.)

'S'lot easier with this handheld calculator gizmo. Bluff gave me a prototype, says they won't be hitting the market for another year or two.

Doug tries to unwedge himself out the window.

KLOTZINI (O.S.)

C'mon, Loretta, I'll show you - it's right in here...

The doorknob slowly begins to turn.

Doug tries unwedging himself at a faster pace.

KLOTZINI (O.S.)

See, the problem with these brass doorknobs is that you gotta open them slowly, else they fall right off.

The door begins to open just as Doug pops himself out of the window.

EXT. KLOTZINI COMPOUND - NIGHT

Doug yells as he falls down to the ground. He hits the ground on his back with a small thud, the hamburger costume cushioning his fall. He moans.

We see the sky from his point-of-view. Two tough guys, NED CAPUHEE and BOOMER BLEDSOE, enter the frame from the sides.

NED

Well, well, well, Boomer, lookit what we got here.

FADE IN:

INT. KLOTZINI WINE CELLAR - NIGHT

Stripped to his underclothes, Doug sits tied in a wooden chair.

A ROMAN POLANSKI LOOKALIKE slaps him around.

ROMAN POLANSKI LOOKALIKE

So, big nose, you like stickin' your big nose where it don't belong, do you?

DALE

Big nose, big nose, ha ha ha ha!

The Roman Polanski lookalike takes out a big knife and starts waving it around Doug's face.

ROMAN POLANSKI LOOKALIKE

You know what we do with people with big noses?

We pan out to reveal the rest of Klotzini's henchmen, who watch eagerly: Boomer, Ned, Dale, and WILLY WHITE.

Doug doesn't respond.

ROMAN POLANSKI LOOKALIKE (CONTINUED)

We cut them off.

With a theatrical flourish, he cuts part of Doug's nose. Blood trickles down.

The henchmen laugh.

KLOTZINI (O.S.)

That's enough, boys.

The camera pans to the left and we see ROGER KLOTZINI in the doorway, partially obscured in shadow. He steps over to Doug and we get a better look at him: he's a well-built, suave man in his 40s or 50s wearing a violet three-piece suit. He smokes a cigar.

KLOTZINI

Well, well, well. Turns out Hamburger Boy is none other than Doug Funnie. And all this time I thought it was Bud Dink.

He laughs to himself. It's an shrill, high-pitched laugh.

He puts his hand on Doug's shoulder.

KLOTZINI

Funny seeing you here, Funnie. We got a lot of catching up to do.

Doug glares at him.

KLOTZINI (CONT.)

So what's new with you? Still snooping around in other people's houses, I see.

He walks behind Doug and puffs on his cigar.

KLOTZINI (CONT.)

Say, how's your partner, Stinky Beaumont?

DOUG

Skunky.

Klotzini steps in front of Doug, his back to him.

KLOTZINI

Skunky, right. My mistake. Say, whatever happened to that guy?

Doug's eyes narrow.

Klotzini turns around to to face him, with a dastardly smile.

KLOTZINI (CONT.)

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

He laughs again. His henchmen join in.

KLOTZINI

They ever catch the mook who plugged 'im?

Doug remains silent.

KLOTZINI

Guess not.

Klotzini steps to the opposite side of the room, his back to Doug, and pretends to examine his fingernails.

KLOTZINI

But enough about Stinky. Tell me, what brings you to my neck of the woods, oh Dougie boy?

DOUG

You know why I'm here.

(after a beat)

Vincent Swirly. Murdered in his own factory.

KLOTZINI

My condolences.

DOUG

One of your cement mixers was there.

KLOTZINI

Surely you're not accusing moi of having a hand in dearly departed Swirly's most untimely demise?

DOUG

Your greasy mitts are all over this, Roger. Don't lie to me.

KLOTZINI

Hey, if I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

DOUG

Save it for the judge.

He turns around to face Doug.

KLOTZINI

I run a construction supply company. A highly successful one, I might add. So one of my cement mixers was there. That don't prove nothin'. I got tons of equipment all over the city.

DOUG

Who paid you? Who ordered the hit on Swirly?

Klotzini bends down and stares Doug in the face.

KLOTZINI

I don't like the kinda accusations you're throwin' at me and my company. Oh sure, I've had a few run-ins with Johnny Law in the past, but that's business. As far as Bluffington's Finest are concerned, I'm as clean as a whistle.

Now you listen here: I earned my fortune. I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps. I built this empire from the ground up, with my sweat and blood.

DOUG

You built your "empire" bootlegging moonshine and selling arms to Mussolini.

KLOTZINI

Oh, a wiseguy, eh?

Klotzini punches Doug in the nose.

KLOTZINI

You come into my house, on the night of my goddaughter's débutante ball, and accuse me of doing murder, for money? Well, that really burns my cannoli.

He withdraws a handkerchief from a pocket and wipes the blood off his fist.

KLOTZINI

Well, it was fun catching up with you, my dear friend, but if you don't mind, I have a ball to get back to. Tell your sister I said "hi."

He heads toward the exit.

WILLY WHITE

Duh, what d'you want us to do with him, boss?

KLOTZINI

Oh, right. I almost forgot.

He turns around and smiles.

KLOTZINI (CONT.)

Boys... take him to Funkytown.

Doug loses his cool and becomes panic-stricken as the henchmen move in on him.

DOUG

No... NO...!!!

cut to:

EXT. FUNKYTOWN ENTRANCE - NIGHT

"Funkytown" by Lipps Inc. plays as we pan down the entrance of an abandoned amusement park. A green car pulls up and Klotzini's henchmen open the doors.

The Roman Polanski-lookalike opens the trunk and we see Doug, bound and gagged and beaten some more.

cut to:

EXT. TILT-O-WHIRL - NIGHT

Boomer and Willy White finish tying Doug to one of the ride vehicles as he struggles helplessly.

Boomer gives a thumbs-up to Ned Capuhee, who's at the controls. Boomer and Willy step away off the platform. Ned flips a switch and Doug starts tilt-o-whirling.

Ned, Boomer and Willy laugh heartily as they walk back to the car.

 

To be continued...