events occur in real time

[2003 - 2007] [2008 - 2011]

chloe
remind me what we're doing again?

jack
jesus chloe get a freakin pen

jack
for the last time: im gonna dive into the ocean, save bin ladens brain, and implant it into a robot body so america has a constant threat, and i can go back to torturin people & stuff

chloe
i don't know about this jack i rather like fighting greenhouse gases

chloe
it's really calming and i feel like i'm actually doing something you know? back when we were bombing terrorists all we did was create new generations of terrorists... it was really bummin me out

jack
dammit chloe stfu and open another socket, im about to put on the wetsuit

jack
heh heh... id like to see jeff try to shoot an undestructable robot... thatll show him... maybe then hell stop bragging about shooting osama... then mom will see who the true hero is... and ill finally get the love and affection i never got as a kid...

chloe
uh i'm still on the line jack

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i want to thank you for killing bin laden


oh.... uh.... thanks


it... it wasnt me though.... it was my half-brother jeff....


youre mumbling i cant understand a thing youre saying


anyway america is hella safe now and its all thanks to you. this has been the most important counter-terrorism operation in the past decade... hell maybe even the past century


dont remind me


yep... now we can finally start winding down our wars... we won't need all this national security apparatus anymore... starting today we're dismantling all our wiretapping programs


but... but... how am i going to read my neighbors sexts


ctu will be consolidated into the epa and focus on saving the environment


oh dear god


and finally we're turning all our torture dungeons into public schools


this is not happening this is not happening


once again, the nation is in your debt. thank you for your service. goodbye *click*


jeff..........

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chloe
bad news jack sad

jack
whats up

chloe
uhhh.... this is a little hard for me to explain... embarrassed

jack
spit it out chloe i aint got all day

chloe
someone hacked into all our computers and got ahold of all the fanfiction i've written about you embarrassed

jack
what the hell


im a real life dude why would you make fanfic about me

chloe
look just forget about that for right now! anyway the hacker guy dumped it all on wikileaks and now it's all over the internet

jack
aw hell

jack
well is it at least good fanfic

chloe
ummm... see for yourself

The detainee was blindfolded, beaten about the feet and legs with a blunt object, punched in the face and head. Electricity was used on his feet and genitals and he was sodomized with a water bottle. Jack smiled as his dirty blonde hair shined in the hot Iraqi sun, and thought about his new wife Cassandra, the nerdy tech girl from work who was wild in the sack, waiting for him back at home. He bent over to the detainee and whispered, "OK, no more Mr. Nice Guy" as he flexed his sexy, sweaty muscles.

5:14:57
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NEW YORK CITY
MAY 24
4:57 PM


so i guess this is it huh

mccoy
looks like it


where do we go from here

mccoy
iono... wherever life takes us i suppose

mccoy
i still got my ameritrade commercials. what about u?


im a dog in the marmaduke movie

mccoy
....


got someithig to say punk???

mccoy
no i was just wondering.... do u think i could get in on that

mccoy
i can do a pretty good fred basset impression


....ill ask around


g2g ttyl

4:59:57
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come on let me kill just one ruskie


no


please


NO! obama said not to


aw youre no fun


yeah well i'm the boss, applesauce


that means you gotta do whatever i say


how bout i give u a lil kiss


hmmm....

4:48:57
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WHERE IS THE BUTTERBALL


Sir, if you would just put down the gun, I would be more than happy to assist y-


WHERE IS THE BUTTERBALL


Here! Here's your goddamn turkey! Just take it and go!


WHERE IS THE CRANBERRY SAUCE

4:34:57
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HEALTHCARE REFORM?!? NOT IN MY AMERICA

4:11:57
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i need you to hack into north korea's mainframe and deexecute the microkernals


i can't! they're barricading all captcha frequencies and retorrenting all foreign hexateredo bandwidth to a distubed cpu!


DAMN IT


wait... maybe if i disconfigure our ip ram, rechannel the arpanet bitrate and make my twitter avatar green...


yes! i've managed to retrieve a .csv with all their missile launch codes from their server!


great work chloe. upload it to my etchasketch

4:03:57
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yeah so now im evil again or w/e


gosh dang it not again!!! grrr


WHAT IS YR INVOLVEMENT


weve infiltrated the white house


we're releasing the torture memos... all of them...


noooo.... nooooooo......


dont worry ur still my bro. ill black out yr name and make sure u dont get prosectued. we still cool?


:-)

1:10:57
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yo dog i got a new plotline. u in?


shh theyre about to announce the winner of the best dead joker award


dog we got like 15 more episodes to do, lets go


cesar romero??? this is fucking bullshit

12:57:57
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hey david sorry to bug you and everything but i need another presidential pardon or whatever


this terrorist dude says hes gonna wreck some shit up and this other guy wont talk til he gets immunity


hella lame i know but what can you do


why do you keep calling me david?

12:21:57
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here are those torture authorizations you requested

11:58:57
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ive managed to infiltrate the republican party at the highest levels


operation: pitbull is a go :-D


excellent work yuliya


wait hang on a second are you using a secure frequency


im using yahoo messenger via wi-fi


god damn it

3:41:57
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we're getting a text message from the obama campaign


patch it through


hey this is joe biden


aw fuck


just wanted to let you know torture is illegal and im gonna be all over your ass if i find you torturin' when im vp


txt u l8r qt ;)

3:26:57
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obama ain't got shit on me


oh shut up


homeboy gives a good speech


but can he lead the nation through infinite crises... yeah thats what i thought


you ain't done shit neither dogg


you just ring me up and go "yo jack kill these suckas"


hang on im getting another 3 am phone call

2:59:57
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hey guy.... notice anything diffrent about me


uhhh


ya thats rite.....i grew a strike solidarity beard


surely this will stem the tide of the writers strike


or whatev


i dont think thats how this works

10:09:57
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dog i thought you was dead


yeah well obviously i aint now am i


you better have a good explanation for this


well uh


the writers forgot to write one before they went on strike


~

9:20:57
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