Livestock has risen to Internet fame by riding Moof's coattails. He includes chatlogs in his daily dirts. People eat them up like candy. Moof is the real hero. It is time to die
May 25, 2005
Josh: Do you have anything you want to say to readers?
Moof: I want to say hi to them and I hope everything is okay and keep watching the big picture not the little dumb things :)
June 1, 2005
Livestock: Moof, do you have anything you want to say to the readers this week?
Moof: can you tell them my dog story
Livestock: Yes, I suppose I can.
Once upon a time a young man named Tom "Moof" Davies was torn from his slumberous state by a loud conversation just outside his bedroom window! Tom sprung into action, rubbing his perplexed eyes and moving towards the source of the distraction! It was two human clouds, and a cheerful dog, standing outside his home chatting up a storm! One cloud thundered to the other, "he is no longer afraid of the water, but he is still scared to swim." The dog ran around wildly, happy as can be, no longer afraid of the water.
Meanwhile, a thousand miles away, the ocean claimed the lives of 13 sailors.
THE END
June 8, 2005
Livestock: Moof, do you have anything you want to say to the readers this week?
Moof: Watch out for clouds.
Livestock: Anything else?
Moof: That is it.
Livestock: Okay, do you want to clarify that any?
Moof: Mostly dark ones but ones that look like sheep as well.
June 15, 2005
Livestock: Do you have a message of hope for the readers, Tom?
Moof: NO NOTHING
Livestock: THERE IS NO HOPE?
Moof: NO HOPE
June 22, 2005
Livestock: Do you have a message of hope for the readers, Tom?
Moof: Fires are coming soon.
Moof: Watch out for them.
June 29, 2005
Livestock: Do you want to go into business with me?
Moof: Okay.
Livestock: We're going to get a bunch of Saint Bernards, okay?
Livestock: And then we're going to put cameras in those little barrels around their necks.
Livestock: And we'll train them to look up skirts.
Livestock: And well post the videos on a website.
Moof: They won't do that.
Livestock: Why not?
Moof: They are too honorable.
Livestock: Not if we get them drunk first!
Livestock: Anyway all you have to do is supply the money.
Livestock: And help me train these dogs to look up dames' skirts!
July 6, 2005
Moof: You can come over if you want
Moof: I get the keys a week on Wednesday :)
Livestock: Moof, I will come live with you and you me and your girlfriend will watch movies and have a great time.
Moof: Okay :)
Moof: Until the end of July I will be paying rent on both places
Moof: It will be like having a summer home
Livestock: And sometimes Moof I will cry and I will scream and damage your apartment but it will be okay because I'm just going through some changes
Moof: That I can visit on weekends
Moof: It's okay
Livestock: And sometimes Moof I will cut myself and bleed on your furniture
Moof: I understand
Moof: It will be okay
Livestock: Moof I will invite friends over and we will shoot up heroin
Livestock: And sometimes, Moof, men might die in your house
Livestock: Because there is nothing left for them in this world
Moof: It will be okay
Livestock: Moof I will be the best roommate ever!
Livestock: Moof I don't much care for cats! If you have a cat I might poison it
Moof: Don't worry I don't and even if I did and you poisoned it it would be okay
Moof: Because of the changes
Livestock: Moof, I'm going to breed rare birds in your apartment
Livestock: I don't like cages because they limit the aspirations of the birds
Livestock: So there will just be birds all over the place
Livestock: And I will try to get them to mate and have babies
Livestock: And maybe I will sell them and chip in for the rent
Moof: It's okay
Moof: Will you really chip in for rent?
Livestock: I won't have a room of my own so I feel I don't owe as much as you, so maybe $4 or $5 every month.
Moof: You can have the closet
July 13, 2005
Livestock: can you imagine what it would be like
Livestock: to live life through the eyes of a duck
Livestock: sent into the future
Livestock: to combat evil
Moof: yes
Livestock: yes me too
July 20, 2005
Livestock: I have a new business proposal
Moof: okay shoot
Livestock: we get a bunch of Saint Bernards, okay
Livestock: then we train them in combat and counter-insurgency
Livestock: and then we get a lucrative contract with the military
Livestock: and we send these dogs to Iraq
Livestock: to fight an unjust war
Livestock: while we collect the profits
Moof: the dogs would not fight an unjust war, livestock
Livestock: why not
Moof: they are too honorable
Livestock: not if we get them drunk first!
Moof: no, livestock
Livestock: no what?
Moof: they will not do it
Livestock: how can you be sure?
Moof: they are too honorable
Livestock: you don't know that
Moof: do too
Livestock: prove it
Livestock: cite sources
Moof: www.dogs.com
Livestock: this is a front for a business
Moof: is not
Livestock: not only that, it shows a picture of a child giving a dog a bath
Moof: does it really
Moof: I did not even look at the site
Moof: looking now
Moof: oh hehe
July 27, 2005
Livestock: can you tell me about your plans for building a shed
Moof: yes first i need lumber
Moof: do you understand so far
Livestock: yes
Moof: okay great then i will continue
Livestock: please do
Moof: i will arrange my lumber into the shape of a shed
Livestock: and then what
Moof: then my friend
Moof: then i will burn it
Moof: burn it to the ground
Livestock: but why
Livestock: why moof
Livestock: why
Moof: sometimes livestock
Moof: to understand the beauty of creation
Moof: you first must understand the beauty of destruction
Livestock: I see now moof, you are the greatest teacher I've ever known
Moof: go forth and procreate
Livestock: I will name my first child "moof" after the man who taught me everything I needed to know
Moof: but livestock
Livestock: what is it moof
Moof: you cannot have two children named moof
Moof: do you understand what i am saying livestock
Livestock: no I do not
Livestock: wait a minute
Moof: or should i say
Moof: dad
Livestock: OH MY GOD
Moof: it has been so long
Livestock: I'm afraid one hug will not be enough
---
Livestock: Moof, if you were a volcano you would erupt ponies
Moof: and confetti :)
Livestock: no, just ponies
Livestock: confetti makes a mess
Moof: CONFETTI TOO >:o
Livestock: okay okay but someone has to clean that up
Moof: the ponies can >:-O
Livestock: but how? these ponies will be dead from the eruption.
Moof: WELL THEY WILL JUST HAVE TO FIX THEMSELVES NOW WONT THEY
Livestock: you're a pretty angry volcano
Moof: not really i can be quite lava-ly (lovely) LOL
UPDATE:
Moof: you should remove the LOL from the end of that quote
Moof: it is gay
Livestock: okay I will
Livestock: Moof, I am adding a second LOL
Moof: NO
Livestock: okay I'm putting in six more LOLs
Moof: OH GOD
Livestock: MOOF THE SCREEN IS LITERALLY COVERED WITH LOLS THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF YOUR ORIGINAL WORDS.
Moof: NO
Moof: NO LOLS
Moof: NO LOLLLSLS
August 10, 2005
Livestock: can you imagine having to eat your way out of a box factory?
Moof: oh god
Moof: what kind of boxes?
Livestock: cardboard
Moof: hey have you seen march of the penguins?
Livestock: why, is it coming through my town?
Moof: not sure it is a documentary about penguins
Livestock: oh, in that case no
Moof: they are playing it at the moving pictures establishment
Moof: it got me thinking
Moof: imagine
Moof: if wallets were little animals
Moof: and when you were at a restaurant
Moof: and you had to pay the bill
Moof: imagine if you took your wallet out and put it on the table
Moof: and it started saying "wallet wallet wallet wallet"
Moof: because that is what they say
Moof: and then perhaps it started jumping around the table and exploring
Moof: and people were looking over and you were embarrassed because they all had well behaved wallets
Moof: that didn't jump around much especially not as restaurants
Moof: can you imagine
Livestock: no, because I have a brain tumor
Moof: oh I am sorry
Livestock: that has rooted itself in my brain
Livestock: in the part that handles imagination (except for box factory related imaginations, which are controlled by the right side of the brain)
Moof: of course I learned that in psych101
Moof: how much longer do you have?
Livestock: yes, well, I have about 50-60 years if I live an honest life and tell no tall tales
Moof: oh jesus
Moof: I am so sorry
Livestock: thankfully I'm not the kind of person prone to tall tales
Moof: thank god
August 17, 2005
Livestock: you can tell a lot about a sandwich by the first bite
Livestock: it's like taking the first step on a journey
Moof: yes
Moof: it is
Livestock: if that step goes badly the entire journey comes into question
Moof: sometimes you get too much pickle on the first bite
Livestock: I suppose what I'm trying to say is
Livestock: I don't know if I'm up for finishing this sandwich I just made
Livestock: but sometimes Moof it's all about the journey
Livestock: and even though the end took everything away
Livestock: the journey was worth it
Moof: yes
Moof: life is what happens while you're making other sandwiches
Livestock: that is very wise, Moof
Moof: thank you
Livestock: do you sometimes smell something in the air
Livestock: and it almost smells like something good
Livestock: so you take a big whiff
Moof: yes
Livestock: and it turns out to be something bad that only kind of smelt like what you thought it was at first
Moof: yes sometimes
Moof: there are horses next to my apartment
Moof: and when I walk outside
Moof: I am like MMMM HORSE
Moof: and then I punch myself in the chest
Moof: like Tarzan
Livestock: WHY
Moof: because I love the smell of horse in the morning
Moof: horses are what happen when you are making other plans
August 24, 2005
Livestock: Moof, I have a business proposal
Moof: ok
Livestock: we're going to dig up Dale Earnhardt's grave, okay
Moof: ok
Livestock: and we're going to get some of his hair, okay
Moof: ok
Livestock: and we're going to take the hair to a cloning lab
Livestock: and we're going to clone the hair
Moof: ok
Moof: okay then what
Livestock: and sell Dale Earnhardt hair on eBay
Moof: okay but there is one problem
Livestock: what is that?
Moof: where do the saint bernards come in to this?
Livestock: they will be used to carry the cloned Dale Earnhardt hair to term
Moof: oh okay
Moof: it sounds like a good plan
Moof: but there is one problem
Livestock: what is that
Moof: the saint bernards wont do it
Livestock: why not, moof?
Moof: they are too honorable
Livestock: damnit
Livestock: this isn't about honor, this is about genetics
Livestock: we can remove their honorable genes
Moof: ok
Livestock: we can create a saint bernard with the hair of Dale Earnhardt with no honor
Livestock: I just hope these dogs don't explode like Dale Earnhardt did
Moof: they wont
Moof: they have god on their side
Livestock: THIS IS A SECULAR BUSINESS
August 31, 2005
Livestock: I went back to the coast and watched lizards and I got wet because the tide came in and ate the beach and I had to walk through water to get around a big cliff.
Moof: oh no
Moof: was it deep water?
Livestock: nope but my shorts got kind of wet
Moof: oh no
Livestock: I kicked a log out into the water but it came back to land, so it was meant to be
Moof: sometimes logs are destined to be land logs
Moof: some are sea logs
Moof: only the sea can decide
Livestock: the sea did not want this log and told it to go home
Moof: that is why they call the sea "master of the logs"
Livestock: what else do they call the sea?
Moof: barne
Moof: y
Moof: barney
Livestock: do they really call the sea that?
Moof: no
Livestock: why did you lie to me?
Moof: i dont know, livestock
Moof: i dont know
September 7, 2005
Livestock: write me a story about a helicopter falling in love with a barrel.
Moof: there used to be a helicopter in the town where i lived for a few years in Iceland
Moof: it was a coastguard helicopter
Moof: used for rescues and such and such
Moof: one day it was called out to help some people who were shipwrecked
Moof: and their ship was falling apart
Moof: and it was transporting dogs and so hundreds of barrels of dogs were floating in the sea
Moof: the helicopter noticed one of these barrels that caught it's eye
Moof: it flew down to take a better look and then fell in love instantly and moved to Greece and lived happily ever after and all the people on the boat died the end
Livestock: you're a very good service. your stories make me smile.
Moof: i am glad:)
Livestock: but why were the dogs in barrels?
Moof: because they were being shipped to Iceland PAY ATTENTION SHEESH
Livestock: oh, isn't Greece kind of a gay place to go?
Livestock: did he let the dog out of the barrel or did he love the barrel with the dog in it?
Moof: yes it is but the helicopter was a man and so was the barrel and they forgot about the dog and it died but they buried him in Greece and a beautiful tree grew where he lay
Livestock: that's very poetic
September 14, 2005
Livestock: moof, I have a business idea
Moof: ok
Livestock: we get a bunch of alligators
Livestock: and we tie ribbons around them
Livestock: and get them little t-shirts that say "Rescue Gators"
Livestock: and we tie a little barrel full of juice around their necks
Livestock: and we release them in New Orleans
Livestock: to help people
Moof: oh my god
Livestock: yes what is it
Moof: rescue gators
Moof: livestock you have presented to me many ideas in the past
Moof: most of them i have to say were retarded
Moof: but this one
Moof: this is it
Livestock: what do you mean retarded??
Moof: well honestly livestock the thing with the saint bernards was ridiculous to the point of being retarded
Moof: listen i mean that in a good way
Livestock: moof!!
Moof: brb i have to let the geese out
Livestock: WHAT
September 21, 2005
Livestock: I was just thinking about the sea being the master of logs
Livestock: if the sea is the master of logs, what does that make beavers?
Moof: beavers are the master of dams
Livestock: but dams are made of logs
Moof: maybe so
Moof: but they are in rivers
Livestock: how can they master something that is made up of something that is mastered by something else
Moof: the sea has no influence
Livestock: yes I know but the logs have to come from somewhere
Livestock: and if the sea masters the logs, how do the rivers get them?
Moof: the master of logs is not omnipotent
Livestock: oh I see
Moof: the sea distributes them
Moof: the sea is the distributor of logs
Livestock: so in the dominion of the sea, the sea masters logs, but outside its dominion it yields mastery to local and regional powers
Moof: yes exactly
Livestock: the life of the log is complicated
Livestock: to be a tree is just the beginning
Livestock: it's only after you forget your roots that you truly see the world
September 25, 2005
Moof: Hello honey
Livestock: hello moof
Moof: livestock do you know how you always put our chatlogs in the daily dirt
Livestock: yeah
Moof: HAHAHA THIS ONE IS GOING IN MY DAILY DIRT
September 28, 2005
Livestock: sometimes it helps to visualize a hippo running towards a goal, fat waddling, smile on its face, sweat pouring down. Then once it reaches that goal, it helps to visualize the hippo on a podium smiling and being awarded a medal.
Moof: it deserves a medal
Livestock: it really does, for running that race
Moof: it was worth it though
Livestock: what do you visualize moof
Moof: an otter
Moof: stuck in a bog
Moof: trying to swim out of the bog
Moof: but sinking
Moof: slowly
Livestock: that is a nightmare moof
Moof: franticly trying to escape he bog
Livestock: stop moof stop
Moof: but it is sinking
Moof: the bog is winning
Livestock: oh god
Moof: only his head is above now
Livestock: why moof why
Moof: he is trying to escape
Moof: but it is too late
Moof: he sinks
Livestock: oh no
Moof: and the darkness envelops me once again
Livestock: are you okay
Moof: yes that is what I think about
Livestock: oh okay
October 5, 2005
Livestock: have you ever been to Europe?
Moof: yes once
Moof: briefly
Livestock: yes
Moof: for 18 years
Livestock: did you get to see Big Ben?
Moof: yes I did
Moof: well not technically
Moof: because Big Ben is actually the name of the bell not the clock tower
Moof: and I have never seen the bell
Moof: but I saw the clock tower
Livestock: well here's a question
Livestock: how do you know Big Ben was inside the tower?
Moof: I heard it
Moof: coming from the tower
Moof: like this "dong, dong, dong, dong"
Moof: for example that would have been 4 pm
Livestock: how do you know it wasn't a tape recorder?
Moof: no way jose
Livestock: the reason I ask you that
Livestock: is because if Big Ben is indeed inside the tower
Livestock: THEN WHAT IS THIS GIANT BELL NAMED BIG BEN DOING IN MY ROOM?
Moof: OH GOD
Moof: DOES THE QUEEN KNOW
Livestock: I don't know but I have to feed it again
Livestock: oh god it won't let me be
Livestock: curse this bell, curse the demon that forged it in the fires of hell
Moof: what are you trying to feed it
Moof: hay?
Moof: it eats hay
Moof: like a horse
Moof: sometimes oats
Moof: but not in the morning!!!!!
Livestock: I am feeding it apples
Livestock: and a leg of lamb
Livestock: is that okay
Livestock: to feed it that?
Moof: yes I suppose
Moof: if it will eat it
Livestock: I'm gonna mate it with the Liberty Bell and have baby bells. :)
October 12, 2005
Moof: when you run into a problem
Moof: do you ever refer to the problem as "a real humdinger"
Moof: because I don't but I think I should start
Moof: it is only right
Livestock: when I was a young man
Livestock: when the salt of the sea was still as fresh a scent to me as that of hard work
Livestock: and when my pennies seemed to stretch for infinity
Livestock: and when the horizon was as boundless as my imagination
Livestock: a humdinger killed my family
Livestock: and ever since then
Livestock: no problem great or small
Livestock: has come close to being a humdinger
Moof: I am so sorry
Moof: about the humdinger
October 19, 2005
Moof: imagine if dogs were units of time
Moof: i just woke up a dog ago
Moof: in a few dogs we will go to the movies :)
Moof: listen be patient give me some dogs!!
Livestock: the bomb will go off in just three dogs unless you can deactivate it!!
Moof: dogs is money
Moof: dogs flies
Moof: dogs keeps flowing like a riiiiver
Moof: to the seaaaa
Moof: to the seaaaaaaaaaaa
Livestock: doggone it moof
Bonus discussion:
Livestock: do you have anything special you want to say to people today, moof?
Moof: i want to say to the people
Moof: watch the skies
Livestock: why
Moof: because tommorow they may come falling on you
Moof: the clouds are growing ever lower
Moof: and the stars are falling
Livestock: yeah well i already have our conversation for today and this one seems forced! forget it! you're a hack!
Moof: hold close to your loved ones
Moof: what are you using
Livestock: this one
Moof: dont leave me here
Moof: wait
Livestock: if you had a puppy what would you name it
Moof: i would name it my chief financial officer (CFO)
October 19, 2005
Livestock: moof, do you know that winter is coming
Moof: i read a good book once
Moof: where winter was coming
Moof: it is called hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world
Livestock: do you know what winter means
Moof: what
Livestock: soon the majestic eagle will fly south for the winter
Livestock: it will fly with its friends in a star formation
Livestock: under fighter jet escort
Livestock: and it will wait in mexico
Livestock: for the return of summer
Moof: you cant fly
Livestock: i didn't say i was flying
Livestock: do you ever listen to me moof
Livestock: DO YOU EVER LISTEN
Moof: in mexico it is always spring :)
Livestock: yes that's true
Livestock: that's why the eagles go there for winter
Livestock: some of them take parrot wives
Livestock: and produce children
Livestock: but their colors are not red white and blue
Moof: tell me
Moof: what colors are they
Livestock: well mostly like bright colors
Livestock: but with some brown feathers okay
Moof: okay
Livestock: to be honest i'm not an ornithologist
Moof: are you serious
Livestock: yes
Moof: you are taking me for a fool and let me tell you
Moof: i am no fool
Moof: just as you
Moof: are no ornithologist
Livestock: well yeah i never said i was
Livestock: i was just talking about winter really
Moof: winter is like a month in a planet of dinosaurs
Livestock: why do you say that
Moof: because my friend the dinosaurs eat the trees, the trees do not eat the dinosaurs
Moof: sometimes dinosaurs eat each other but i have never seen a tree eat a tree
Moof: just as winter
Moof: eats our souls
Moof: like a hungry tree feasting upon the bark of its brother
Livestock: mostly it just gets cold though
Livestock: i don't know about that other stuff
Moof: in peru june is winter
Livestock: they call snow the mitochondria of the winter
Moof: no one does that
Livestock: well i do
Moof: you always were special
Livestock: well that's all there is to say about winter
Moof: winter is when i take the bodies to the lake because by the time the snow thaws no trace will be left
Livestock: what bodies moof
Moof: what
Livestock: you live in arizona, what do you know about winter anyway?
Moof: it is forever autumn in my heart
Livestock: and yet how is there a harvest if there is never a spring
Moof: who harvests in spring
Moof: seriously
Moof: harvest is in autumn
Moof: it is always harvest
Livestock: i know but what the hell do you harvest
Livestock: IF THERE WAS NEVER A SPRING
Livestock: i mean WHEN DID YOU PLANT THE SEEDS
Moof: YOU DON'T PLANT SEEDS YOU JUST HARVEST THEM ETERNALLY
Livestock: that's the biggest bunch of crap i've ever heard
Livestock: your heart isn't always autumn, is it?
Moof: yes it is
Moof: well
Livestock: prove it
Moof: not literally
Livestock: well see you should have said that
Moof: i couldn't have said "metaphorically, it is forever autumn in my heart"
Moof: that would have been ridiculous!
Livestock: well if you had said that we wouldn't have had to get course with each other
Moof: do you mean course or coarse
Livestock: i didn't mean "course" literally okay
Moof: i think you meant to say coarse
Livestock: i think you meant to shut up
Moof: i think you meant to drive a boat off a waterfall into a rock
Livestock: do you mean figuratively or literally
Moof: literally of course
Livestock: well i don't own a boat so you must mean figuratively
Moof: no i want you to buy one
Livestock: well i have a lot on my plate right now so a boat is just out of the question
Moof: i am sorry
Livestock: and besides it is winter so the water will be frozen
Moof: your head will be frozen in a minute!!
Livestock: you're cold as ice, moof
November 2, 2005
Livestock: hey
Moof: hey
Livestock: :)
Moof: a/s/l
Livestock: 23/m/WA
Moof: are you wearing any socks
Livestock: nope
Livestock: why
Moof: i am
Livestock: okay
Livestock: cool
Moof: no gloves though
Livestock: i'm wearing gloves
Livestock: so that falcons can land on my arms
Livestock: they never do
Livestock: i'll keep waiting for them
Moof: what about a scarf
Livestock: no scarf
Moof: what about earmuffs
Livestock: yes
Livestock: you?
Moof: yes
Livestock: do you believe in fate
Moof: sometimes
Livestock: do you believe in litmus tests
Moof: yes
Livestock: moof when you are driving your car on the highway
Livestock: do you ever look to the side and see weigh stations
Livestock: and think "i wonder how much me and my car weigh?"
Moof: sometimes
Livestock: and then pull off and get in line to be weighed
Livestock: because i did once and they yelled at me
Moof: heheh
Moof: last night
Moof: i had a dream
Livestock: yes
Moof: i crossed the border into mexico
Moof: to go to the beach
Moof: and i sat on the beach and watched the sunset
Moof: and then drove home
Moof: and i was incredibly relaxed and happy
Livestock: did you see any banditos
Moof: nope no banditos
Livestock: that is a good dream
November 9, 2005
Moof: do you ever go to the zoo and take a lot of scarves for the giraffes and then try and put them on the giraffes but get arrested
Moof: why is it a crime to keep giraffes warm
Moof: i am going to go at night
Moof: in a van
Moof: with scarves in the back of the van
Moof: are you in
Moof: do you ever go to the zoo
Moof: and take jackets for the penguins
Moof: and coats for the polar bears
Moof: but the polar bears just claw at you
Moof: and the penguins peck at you
Moof: and the elephants chase you
Moof: :(
Livestock: moof i am in for this job
Livestock: but on one condition
Livestock: we're going to put roller skates on a gorilla
Moof: okay the saint bernards will carry the roller blades
Livestock: i'm afraid the saint bernards no longer work for me
Moof: what happened
Livestock: they formed a union :(
Moof: :(
Livestock: I'm going to go as a vampire
Livestock: what are you going as
Moof: this isn't some kind of fancy dress party
Moof: this is serious business
Livestock: okay i'll dress as al capone
Moof: okay i will be don corleone
Livestock: lets make these giraffes an offer they can't refuse
Moof: hehe
Moof: an offer of
Moof: scarves
Moof: is that the correct plural
Moof: or is it scarfs
Livestock: i think it is scarvi
Moof: no that doesnt seem right
Livestock: no i know my latin
Moof: oh ok
Livestock: that is the male plural ending of scarvus
Livestock: which i think is latin for scarves
Moof: i think you are right
November 16, 2005
Moof: ok im listening
Livestock: okay are you sitting down
Moof: yes
Livestock: are you sitting down
Moof: okay wait yes
Livestock: okay you know you can go to a store, right
Livestock: and in the store there is a freezer section
Livestock: okay
Livestock: okay and in that freezer section they have ice creams of different types
Moof: yes ok i am with you
Moof: yes
Livestock: well one kind of ice cream you can buy is neapolitan
Livestock: that's where it has three flavors together
Moof: ok
Livestock: you know strawberry, chocolate, vanilla
Livestock: well i have this idea for neapolitan corndogs
Moof: yes
Livestock: okay the hotdog inside is divided into three sections
Livestock: one is beef, one pork, one turkey
Livestock: so like as you eat this corndog
Livestock: you're getting different meats as you progress through it
Moof: what about chicken
Livestock: well that would be an option too
Livestock: so like you could divide the actual hot dog in 4 sections lengthwise
Livestock: and one section would be beef, the next pork, the next turkey, the next chicken
Moof: what about chocolate
Livestock: well there is no such thing as chocolate hot dogs moof
Moof: so the last one is chocolate it would be be like dessert
Livestock: well i guess
Livestock: i mean that might work
Livestock: but keep in mind this is a corndog
Livestock: a neapolitan corndog
Livestock: what do you think
Moof: that is amazing
Livestock: i thought so as well
Moof: but you cant really call it neapolitan unless it comes from naples are you from naples
Livestock: well the neapolitan ice cream isn't actually from naples
Livestock: i mean maybe it was originally
Livestock: okay but it's been co-opted by the world
Moof: where is it from now
Livestock: from your heart moof
Moof: jesus that's barbaric
Livestock: look inside
Moof: okay 1 second let me get a knife brb
Livestock: wait don't
Moof: ok i am looking but i dont see it
Moof: the walls are made of tree bark and hte lgihts are turning off
Livestock: sweet dreams gentle friend, the rainbow is at your feet
November 23, 2005
Livestock: moof sometimes i wish all the horses of the world had but one head so that I could punch them all at the same time
Livestock: god i hate horses!!
Moof: agh dont say that!!!!
Moof: did i ever tell you about the horses
Moof: next to my apartment
Livestock: yes you smell them and then beat your chest like tarzan
Moof: hehe
Livestock: because you love the smell of horses in the morning
Livestock: moof we've all seen that episode
Livestock: moof do you ever worry that if you don't keep moving
Livestock: barnacles will attach themselves to you
Livestock: and you'll have to go through life with a nickname
Livestock: like Barnacle Bill or something
Moof: no never i am not an oil tanker
Livestock: yeah well i never said you were
Livestock: but i mean that's not going to stop a barnacle
Livestock: a still surface is a still surface
Livestock: and if you keep still too long
Livestock: you're gonna be covered with barnacles
Moof: jesus i never thought about it that way
Moof: what can i do
Livestock: check yourself for barnacles moof
Livestock: it's the only way
Moof: HOW CAN I PREVENT THEM
Livestock: well moof you can move about every so often
Livestock: you know and brush yourself off
Livestock: avoid laying at the bottom of the sea
Livestock: and stay away from strange ports
November 30, 2005
Livestock: how can i take good pictures
Moof: point at a dog and shoot
Livestock: should i get a close up of a bug on the dog's nose
Livestock: has anyone done that
Livestock: because that would be amazing
Moof: no never
Moof: but you probably need a better camera :(
Livestock: moof i swear to god if you steal my idea about taking a picture of a bug on a dog's nose i will shoot you with a gun
Livestock: that is going to be the shot that gets me on Time Magazine's cover!!
Livestock: it will be like man on the moon
Moof: yes
Moof: all i need now is a dog and a bug
Moof: i just found a bug
Moof: i am almost there
Livestock: GOD DAMNIT YOU LET THAT BUG GO
Moof: brb i have to go to the dog store
Livestock: ARGH
Moof: wait i mean the golf... course.... yes...
Livestock: MOOF I'M GETTING IN MY CAR AND I'M DRIVING TO STOP YOU
Livestock: THAT IS MY PICTURE
Livestock: MY PICTURE
Moof: the dog ate my bug :(
December 7, 2005
Livestock: moof what if we lived in a world where dogs were used as fuel
Moof: people would be like
Moof: "dog prices are unbelievable today i payed $6.70/dog at the dogstation!"
Livestock: we would go to war with iraq because of dogs
Livestock: and people would say no blood for dogs
Moof: hehe
Livestock: and sometimes you would see cars stuck on the side of the road
Livestock: and people walking towards them with dogs in their hands
Livestock: because they ran out of dogs
Moof: jumbo jets would have huge dogs
Moof: because they need a lot of dog
Moof: sitting on their wings
Livestock: and the captain would say "we don't have enough dogs to land, did anyone bring a dog with them?"
Moof: and it would be heart wrenching
Moof: as a child is forced to sacrifice his puppy
Moof: to save the passengers
Livestock: well when you think about it
Livestock: kids don't have pet gasoline
Livestock: so why would they have pet dogs
Livestock: i guess the jumbo jet would crash and the child would die, so that horrible sacrifice would never be made :)
Moof: :)
Moof: when i was a child livestock
Moof: i had pet gasoline
Livestock: what did you name your pet gasoline
Moof: frogbert
December 14, 2005
Moof: well i heard that there was a secret chord that david played and it pleased the lord :)
Livestock: do you believe in the lord
Moof: only the lord of my town it is a cat that sleeps in the mexican area :)
Moof: sometimes i drive past on the way to work it sleeps outside a store
Livestock: do you know the cat's name
Moof: nope
Livestock: i will tell you its name
Livestock: but you must never speak it aloud
Moof: okay what is it
Livestock: hector
Moof: oops i just spoke it accidentally
Moof: ACCIDENTALLY
Livestock: OH HECTOR
Livestock: do you know what you've done
Livestock: AHH YOU MADE ME DO IT
Moof: good hector no
Livestock: MOOF THERE IS CAT HAIR EVERYWHERE
Moof: AAAH'
Livestock: OH GOD A BALL OF CATS
Livestock: MY DOOR IS CLOGGED WITH A BALL OF CATS
Moof: there are flaming fur balls falling from the sky
Livestock: I CANNOT ESCAPE
Moof: aaggggb
Livestock: moof i have one bullet left in my gun, i must use it on myself!!
Livestock: oh god i just shot myself in the head and a cat came out of my gun
Moof: i will see you on the other side good friend i am taking as many of them with me as i can
Livestock: i shot myself with a cat
Moof: oh jesus
Moof: my hands just turned in to cats
Livestock: meow
Livestock: meow
Livestock: meow
Moof: i asm finding it difficdsujlt to tydpe
Livestock: raoooowwww
Moof: II WATFANT A MOUESSEE TO EAT
Livestock: HECTOR WHY
December 28, 2005
Livestock: moof i think we need a system
Moof: what kind of system
Livestock: well let's say you're online and getting busy and don't want to be interrupted
Livestock: there ought to be some way you can let me know without letting me know! know what I mean?
Livestock: and likewise for me!!
Moof: i will put a sock on my door okay
Livestock: but how will i see
Livestock: what if you hung a sock on a st bernard and sent it on the long journey from arizona to washington state to let me know?
Moof: okay
Moof: i will do that
Moof: i will put the sock on its nose
Livestock: okay and i will put a bonnet on the dog to let you know i'm getting busy
Moof: okay
Moof: so if i send the dog back with no sock
Moof: then it is fine to talk
Livestock: yes of course
Moof: same if i get the dog with no bonnet
Livestock: and if the dog returns with no bonnet
Livestock: i'm not getting busy
Moof: it is flawless
Livestock: there's just one problem
Livestock: what if the dogs get lost
Moof: like vincent do you mean
Livestock: no i mean what if they get lost on the way and so they never show up in time to deliver the message
Livestock: that would cause the system to fail
Livestock: or if somebody removes the sock or bonnet or they get attacked by bears
Moof: the saint bernards will prevail
Livestock: we should give them guns
Moof: yes just in case
Moof: and landmines
Livestock: we should train them to kill without mercy or hesitation
Moof: they are saint bernards they cannot be trained but will only follow the righteous path
Janurary 4, 2006
Livestock: Moof I have an idea
Moof: okay go
Livestock: you know how on the stock market
Livestock: you can buy stocks in companies
Livestock: or gold or whatever
Livestock: well what if there was a market where you buy shares in breeds of dogs
Livestock: like you could buy shares of huskies in the summer at low prices, then sell them high come winter when they really shine
Moof: hmm that is a good idea
Moof: after christmas when all the unwanted pets are left to rot on the streets by uncaring children i could buy them cheap
Moof: and then sell them for a lot more next year before christmas as gifts for children
Livestock: yes well not the pets themselves but shares in that breed
Livestock: this isn't about physically buying pets, it's about buying stock in a breed
Moof: what other breeds change value in different seasons
Livestock: well obviously wiener dogs are better in the summer when you can show them off
Livestock: bomb dogs obviously increase in value around the time of terrorist attacks
Moof: yes i suppose
Livestock: well i mean i suppose it wouldn't hurt to own certain dogs physically
Livestock: that way the market is based on something... like a gold standard
Livestock: all the stocks can be backed up with actual dogs that way
Moof: that is a good idea
Livestock: okay well i think we've got ourselves a business venture
January 11, 2006
Moof: i want a job where i can pet kittens all day :)
Moof: and make them purr and when they are purring i move on to the next kitten until i have a whole box of purring kittens and then i can go home
Livestock: what if the kittens hiss and snarl
Moof: then i pet them more aggressively
Livestock: moof that is a classic case of nature vs nurture
Moof: no you are
Moof: this keyboard has keys on it to change the volume
Moof: it is insane
Moof: i am like hmm a little louder and i press the keys and it gets louder
Livestock: moof that is also a classic case of nature vs nurture
January 18, 2006
Livestock: what about a monster that eats bridges
Moof: that is no monster :)
Livestock: i will draw your ire
Livestock: it looks like a barn with a plane flying through it
Moof: oh no
Livestock: what do you mean a monster that eats bridges is no monster
Livestock: bridges are important
Moof: nope
Moof: they are not important
Moof: they are like roads in the air
Moof: how is that natural
Moof: it is bad
Livestock: how would you get to islands and over rivers
Moof: BARGES
Livestock: people can't rely on barges
Livestock: that is ridiculous
Moof: yes they can
Livestock: bridges are the way to go and a monster that eats bridges is a terrible thing indeed
Moof: no i disagree strongly
Livestock: well you've never been more wrong in your whole life
Moof: i am reading the wikipedia article on Pre-Columbian trans-oceanic contact
Moof: they didnt have bridges then
Moof: and they did just fine
Livestock: well that's absurd because in our modern world we need things fast and ready at all times and a bridge does the trick nicely. you might say, moof, that bridges bridge the gap.
Moof: you might say that but if you did you are wrong totally wrong
Livestock: do you even know what a bridge is
Livestock: have you not had to travel
Livestock: what do you do drive your car off the road into rivers??
Livestock: i bet you do
Livestock: you would be just the kind of fool to do such a thing
Moof: once i almost got to the other shore
Moof: almost
Moof: and i will figure it out
Moof: and then you will be the one who is crying silently to himself alone in his dark apartment
Livestock: what about a monster that eats barges
Livestock: i tell you what that monster is doing a public service eating barges
Moof: NO
Livestock: YES
Moof: why would you like a monster that would eat your family
Livestock: i am not a barge you drunken fool!!
January 25, 2006
Livestock: oh gosh do you have any words of hope for our readers
Moof: yes if i may do you mind
Livestock: no not at all please
Moof: okay i would like to remind our readers that life is a lot like a happy dog on a trampoline - he can not get off and although it is the same over and over and up and down and up and down he is so happy he is drooling a little bit and when the night comes the darkness will devour him and the trampoline will slowly fall silent until the sun rises in the morning and everything that you believed in or even cared about is gone
Livestock: what happened to the dog???
Livestock: the trampoline dog is the most misleading animal since the trojan horse!!
Moof: all dogs go to a special place at night
Moof: you said that about otters!
Moof: or was it owls
Moof: i forgot they are so similar
Livestock: you have destroyed everything i love in this world
Moof: you still have your dog you should cherish it and wrap it in american flags and take it on parades
Moof: because a parade is only a funeral in disguise
Livestock: this is no message of hope!!
Moof: yes and you are no pretty young lady how does it feel to be deceived
February 1, 2006
Moof: if linux were a woman would you marry it
Livestock: maybe it would depend on her personality
Moof: hehe women dont have personalities :)
Livestock: :)
February 8, 2006
Moof: i am going to format these old hard drives and put together my new computer
Moof: goodbye friend
Livestock: goodbye forever moof
*** Moof signed off
March 12, 2006
Livestock: how is your gf
Moof: good i think i have not spoken with her today
Moof: so perhaps she is not good perhaps she has been kidnapped
Livestock: oh god have there been any ransom demands
Moof: not yet no
Livestock: i will pray moof
Livestock: but i fear it may be too late
Moof: what if they ask for my rewards :(
Livestock: you can always earn new ones
Moof: what about trophies :(
Livestock: you can buy them at a store you know
Moof: I WANT THEM AWARDED TO ME
Livestock: the girl at the checkout counter will hand them to you after ringing them up
Livestock: and you can pretend you are winning them
Moof: can i give a speech
Livestock: yes you may
Moof: :D
Livestock: that is a smilie not a speech, moof
Moof: no i am saving the speech for the awards ceremony
Livestock: the other people in line might try to interrupt but don't let them distract you
Livestock: it is your moment in the sun
Moof: i will not let them
Moof: should i dress up for the occasion
Livestock: absolutely, wear your sunday best
Moof: i am so excited
April 19, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Moof: i see the hoses that live next to me walking around
Moof: giving people horse rides
Moof: they live right next to a golf course
Moof: and i see them riding around the outside of the golf course
Moof: maybe 15 or so of them all walking
Moof: and a lot of the time i see them on the opposite side of the road to my apartments
Moof: it is a 20mph speed limit road but it gets busy
Moof: and i always wondered how they cross the road
Moof: and today
Moof: i found
Moof: A HORSE TUNNEL
Moof: UNDER THE ROAD
Moof: THAT IS HOW THEY GET TO THE OTHER SIDE
Moof: A HORSE TUNNEL
Moof: DO YOU SEE
Livestock: A HORSE TUNNEL????
Moof: yes
Moof: under the road
Moof: more like a bridge maybe
Livestock: that is absurd!!!
Moof: i know
Moof: i know i know
Livestock: honestly that can't be true
Moof: i will take a photograph
Livestock: please by all means
Moof: i believe it is also how golf carts get across the road
Moof: but i am not 100% sure yet
Moof: also if that is the case i do not know which has right of way a golf cart or a horse Thursday, April 13, 2006
Moof: i investigated the horse tunnel
Moof: it is smaller than i had thought
Moof: i am more and more worried about the horse and golf cart situation
Livestock: did you go through it??
Moof: no not yet
Livestock: do you worry that horses will get stuck inside it
Moof: well no unless too many try to go through at once
Livestock: do you think that might happen
Moof: but whenever i see them walking about they are in a long line
Moof: not side by side
Moof: well no i don't think that we should worry about that
Moof: not yet
Moof: whenever i see them walking about there are people on the horses
Moof: unless they are in their pen
Livestock: moof please keep me posted on any further developments with the horse tunnel
Moof: i will
Moof: i am still in the early stages of investigation
Moof: i am thinking about sneaking into the horse pen while they are sleeping
Moof: and attaching a camera to a horse
Moof: and maybe tip some horses too while i am there
Livestock: moof you cannot do that
Livestock: for when you tip the horse you cease to be investigating a mystery
Livestock: you become part of the mystery
Livestock: you become that which you want to solve
Livestock: and it will drive you mad
Livestock: i have seen it happen far too many times
Moof: do you know many people who have tipped horses
Livestock: yes, far too many
Moof: i had no idea
Livestock: now you understand me
Moof: yes Monday, April 17, 2006
Moof: i am still planning on looking at the horse tunnel
Livestock: this is fascinating
Livestock: do you think you'll ever go through it
Moof: not on the first visit obviously
Moof: it is more like a bridge really
Moof: than a tunnel
Livestock: well
Livestock: okay
Moof: i am not certain though
Moof: i have been studying google maps to find its exact location
Moof: with the satellite view
Moof: i think i found it
Moof: the puzzle is i always see the horses walking on the golf course to the left of the road
Moof: and so i believe they have some kind of tunnel to cross the road
Livestock: horses on a golf course???
Moof: yes well on the edges
Livestock: what if you find something
Livestock: in the tunnel
Livestock: something terrible and ancient
Moof: that is something i have also considered
Moof: which is why i am planning on making my girlfriend go in first
Livestock: that is a wise decision
Moof: yes i think so
April 26, 2006
Moof: earlier today i invented the best name ever for a horse
Livestock: what is it
Moof: it is Bayonet
Moof: fyi
Livestock: no it is Pago
Moof: nope
Moof: what is a better name for a horse houseplant or trapdoor
Livestock: trapdoor
May 3, 2006
Livestock: moof can i ask you a serious question
Moof: yes
Livestock: what would you do to improve cat shows
Moof: well obviously that is not a question that can be answered appropriately other than in the form of a twenty thousand word dissertation
Moof: however
Moof: please allow me to outline my core beliefs
Moof: FIRSTLY the cats SHOULD NOT and i repeat SHOULD NOT be allowed within twenty feet of a lady
Moof: SECONDLY i believe the cats should all wear little coats and hats
Moof: and my THIRD and FINAL belief is that i believe the cats must always be purring all the time
Livestock: this is fascinating
Livestock: thank you for your time
Moof: no problem
Moof: i have dual monitors
Livestock: me too
Livestock: which monitor am i on
Moof: left
Livestock: you are on left as well
Moof: you are with excel
Moof: i am tempted to move you to the right
Moof: but that is where my browser and CRM reside
Livestock: i'll take right
Moof: no you are staying on left
Livestock: give me some better company plz
Moof: excel is good company
Livestock: the hell it is
Moof: the paper clip is on the right screen so you dont have to worry about him
Moof: what do you prefer to be with internet explorer and clarify
Livestock: yes i would
Moof: FINE
Moof: okay you are moved
Livestock: thanks
Moof: you are welcome
Moof: i seriously did move you
Moof: i hope you are happy now
Livestock: moof i don't like this monitor
Livestock: please move me back
Moof: ARE YOU SURE
Moof: THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO CHOOSE
Moof: LEFT OR RIGHT
Livestock: I don't know can you put me in the middle
Moof: okay
Livestock: thanks
Moof: now you are half and half
Livestock: This way I can have the best of both worlds
Moof: it makes it kind of difficult to read but i dont mind if you are happy
Livestock: I am happy, thank you
Moof: you are welcome
Moof: okay you are on the right
Moof: that was too difficult with you over both
Livestock: goddamnit moof
Livestock: give me back my space
Moof: no
June 17, 2007
Moof: REDRUM
Livestock: REDRUM
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Moivestoofck: TIME FOR HOT DOGS
