May 29, 2008

As you probably know by now, Dunkin Donuts made some ad featuring popular TV chef Rachael Ray donning a black-and-white scarf that maybe sort of kinda looks like a keffiyeh that Palestinans sometimes wear. According to professional meathead Michelle Malkin, that keffiyeh has come to symbolize “murderous Palestinian jihad,” which means Ray and Dunkin Donuts are in league with the terrorists or something.

This, of course, is the same Dunkin Donuts which just last month was running a commercial catering to American xenophobia of anything remotely sounding “Fratalian.”

Originally I thought this was just another hilarious example of the weird, paranoiac culture war waged by conservatives on any cultural product perceived to have even the slightest liberal sympathies (see here), and I had a good laugh over it. Then Dunkin Donuts pulled the ad down, with Malkin remarking how “refreshing” it is “to see an American company show sensitivity to the concerns of Americans opposed to Islamic jihad and its apologists,” and I remembered that people like her have actual influence.

I, for one, was hoping Dunkin Donuts would stand by the commercial, forcing Malkin’s followers to form some sort of uber-patriotic, America-themed donut shop to combat liberal pastry bias in the same vein of such hilarious conservative ventures as W Ketchup, Conservapedia, and GodTube. Think about it: All the doughnuts would have red, white and blue frosting. There could be a jelly-filled donut called “The Bleeding Heart.” Instead of bearclaws they’d have eagleclaws. Instead of doughnut holes they’d have Freedom Balls. The interior would be filled with all kinds of Americana kitsch with flags everywhere and they’d play songs by Darryl Worley and Randy Travis non-stop. The only newspapers available would be the Washington Times and the New York Post. On the roof would be a giant inflatable Statue of Liberty holding up a sign announcing their new 9 doughnuts for $11 special and there’d be fireworks every night. The name? Ronnie’s Donuts, in honor of true American patriot Ronald Reagan.

It would be glorious.