rubbercat.net

August 24, 2018

president logan
Remember when I was the big bad guy because I had shady dealings with Russian oil guys or whatever?

jack
thought i blocked u

president logan
And then this Trump fella comes along… hoo boy! I may have been evil and incompetent but even I had my limits! #Resistance #NeverTrump #CharlesLoganDidNothingWrong

jack
god

jack
dont talk to me ever again

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June 24, 2015

chloe
Are you excited for the Adventure Time movie??

jack
wtf is an adventure time

chloe
Oh that’s right I forgot, Adventure Time doesn’t exist in this universe

chloe
CalArts was nuked along with the rest of Valencia in season 6, thereby depriving us of a generation of animators -_-

jack
this is why i fight terrorism, chloe

jack
to avenge the cartoons my granddaughter was cruelly deprived of patriotic

11:50:57
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October 24, 2014

jack
so i behead some chump back in july

chloe
Again with this?

jack
then ***1 month later*** those isil dopes do the same thing

jack
hrmmm i wonder where they got the idea???/

chloe
Jack, just let it go already

chloe
I don’t understand why you’d even want credit for that

jack
dammit chloe

jack
it s the fr**king principle of the thing…..

11:18:57
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July 24, 2014

chloe
At this point, I think I’m the only friend you have left. Whether you want to admit it or not.

jack
hmm let me think

Willie, you and I are friends, right?

willie

jack and willie hug

jack
yup ur right

jack
cant think of anyone else in the whole entire world who id call a friend…

10:59:57
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11:00:00

June 24, 2014

jack
………

heller
Look, Jake, I know for that for some weird reason you’re a bit squeamish about facilitating the assassination of a US president

heller
But trust me, an old man with Alzheimer’s: acquiescing to a terrorist’s demands and getting killed by a drone in the middle of a stadium is the only logical thing to do

jack
ok fine ill help u ~_~

heller
Where am I? Why am I here?? Oh right, the drone thing. Gonna make Lincoln look like a scrub 8-]

explosion

jack
i pushed heller out of the way during the 5 seconds we were offscreen

chloe
Great work Jack. Now let’s hope the terrorists fell for my sophisticated cyber ruse

ruse

7:00:57
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February 24, 2014

jack
oi mate a chav nicked me mobile

jack
blimey guvna we got some right bloody plonkers in the parliament

chloe
What are you doing

jack
were in london now we gotta blend in to skive the bobbies & narks

chloe
Uh ok

jack
give it a go luv

chloe
G’day mate, my dingo’s gone walkabout at the barbie down by the billabong

jack
stonking job chloe were a couple a regular scousers now

jack
now im gonna roger some birds

4:34:57
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August 24, 2013

palmer
jack

palmer
i need u

jack
no

jack
im retired

palmer
rofl

palmer
u always say ur retired

jack
this time i mean it

palmer
ya, sure

palmer
(rolling eyes)

jack
stfu

8:16:57
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August 25, 2011

jack

is the bin laden bot ready

chloe

dude quit asking, there’s like 20 wires I have to put into this thing

jack

hang on getting another call

jeff

Hi Jack. It’s your estranged half-brother Jeff.

jack

hello jeff

jeff

Listen, I intercepted some of your conversations. I know you’re building a robot implanted with bin Laden’s brain so you can defeat it and be the big hero again. Please, I urge you to reconsider.

jack

it;s not fair you got 2 be the one to shoot osama

jack

that was supposed to be my kill!!! i called dibs back in 01

jeff

It’s just how things turned out, what happened happened. Reanimating a dead terrorist mastermind so you can get back at me isn’t the right answer. You must channel your anger and jealousy into a more constructive outlet.

jeff

As it so happens, I’m organizing a little project that I could use your help with. A little freelance work, if you will. You can’t see it but I’m winking right now.

jack

(also winking) i read u loud + clear

jack

whos the target? gadaffi? kim jong-il? pelosi?

jeff

Our brother Edward. He is a disgrace to the Bauer name and must be destroyed. Will you join me?

jack

i was so wrapped up in my hatred of you that i completely forgot how much i hate eddie!!!

jack

im all in bro.

jeff

I’m glad to hear that, Jack. I’ll get my fratricide gear. We’ll be in touch.

jack

bye!!!!! ttyl

chloe

jack I finished the robot but it went rogue and smashed through ctu and killed a bunch of people!!! now it’s heading for the 405!!! you gotta get down there asap!!!

7:40:57
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July 24, 2011

jack

still no sign of bin laden

chloe

nothing on the radar either

jack

wait i think i see somethin over there

jack

nm just a tire

chloe

god, it’s been over 20 minutes, at this rate we’ll never find him

jack

oh wait there he is over there

jack

get the robot body ready

chloe

hey, um, I’ve been meaning to ask you

chloe

I didn’t have time to build a whole new robot from scratch

chloe

so do you think it’s ok if we use the sex robot I built last year? I mean, just temporarily, until I finish making the big threatening killer robot you wanted

jack

dammit chloe

jack

well discuss this when im back on land

6:57:57
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June 24, 2011

chloe

remind me what we’re doing again?

jack

jesus chloe get a freakin pen

jack

for the last time: im gonna dive into the ocean, save bin ladens brain, and implant it into a robot body so america has a constant threat, and i can go back to torturin people & stuff

chloe

i don’t know about this jack i rather like fighting greenhouse gases

chloe

it’s really calming and i feel like i’m actually doing something you know? back when we were bombing terrorists all we did was create new generations of terrorists… it was really bummin me out

jack

dammit chloe stfu and open another socket, im about to put on the wetsuit

jack

heh heh… id like to see jeff try to shoot an undestructable robot… thatll show him… maybe then hell stop bragging about shooting osama… then mom will see who the true hero is… and ill finally get the love and affection i never got as a kid…

chloe

uh i’m still on the line jack

6:23:57
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May 24, 2011



i want to thank you for killing bin laden



oh…. uh…. thanks



it… it wasnt me though…. it was my half-brother jeff….



youre mumbling i cant understand a thing youre saying



anyway america is hella safe now and its all thanks to you. this has been the most important counter-terrorism operation in the past decade… hell maybe even the past century



dont remind me



yep… now we can finally start winding down our wars… we won’t need all this national security apparatus anymore… starting today we’re dismantling all our wiretapping programs



but… but… how am i going to read my neighbors sexts



ctu will be consolidated into the epa and focus on saving the environment



oh dear god



and finally we’re turning all our torture dungeons into public schools



this is not happening this is not happening



once again, the nation is in your debt. thank you for your service. goodbye *click*



jeff……….

6:05:57
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October 24, 2010

chloe

bad news jack sad

jack

whats up

chloe

uhhh…. this is a little hard for me to explain… embarrassed

jack

spit it out chloe i aint got all day

chloe

someone hacked into all our computers and got ahold of all the fanfiction i’ve written about you embarrassed

jack

what the hell



im a real life dude why would you make fanfic about me

chloe

look just forget about that for right now! anyway the hacker guy dumped it all on wikileaks and now it’s all over the internet

jack

aw hell

jack

well is it at least good fanfic

chloe

ummm… see for yourself

The detainee was blindfolded, beaten about the feet and legs with a blunt object, punched in the face and head. Electricity was used on his feet and genitals and he was sodomized with a water bottle. Jack smiled as his dirty blonde hair shined in the hot Iraqi sun, and thought about his new wife Cassandra, the nerdy tech girl from work who was wild in the sack, waiting for him back at home. He bent over to the detainee and whispered, “OK, no more Mr. Nice Guy” as he flexed his sexy, sweaty muscles.

5:14:57
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May 24, 2010

NEW YORK CITY
MAY 24
4:57 PM


so i guess this is it huh

mccoy
looks like it


where do we go from here

mccoy
iono… wherever life takes us i suppose

mccoy
i still got my ameritrade commercials. what about u?


im a dog in the marmaduke movie

mccoy
….


got someithig to say punk???

mccoy
no i was just wondering…. do u think i could get in on that

mccoy
i can do a pretty good fred basset impression


….ill ask around


g2g ttyl

4:59:57
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April 24, 2010

come on let me kill just one ruskie


no


please


NO! obama said not to


aw youre no fun


yeah well i’m the boss, applesauce


that means you gotta do whatever i say


how bout i give u a lil kiss


hmmm….

4:48:57
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November 24, 2009



WHERE IS THE BUTTERBALL



Sir, if you would just put down the gun, I would be more than happy to assist y-



WHERE IS THE BUTTERBALL



Here! Here’s your goddamn turkey! Just take it and go!



WHERE IS THE CRANBERRY SAUCE


4:34:57
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August 24, 2009



HEALTHCARE REFORM?!? NOT IN MY AMERICA

4:11:57
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June 24, 2009



i need you to hack into north korea’s mainframe and deexecute the microkernals



i can’t! they’re barricading all captcha frequencies and retorrenting all foreign hexateredo bandwidth to a distubed cpu!



DAMN IT



wait… maybe if i disconfigure our ip ram, rechannel the arpanet bitrate and make my twitter avatar green…



yes! i’ve managed to retrieve a .csv with all their missile launch codes from their server!



great work chloe. upload it to my etchasketch

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