FUNNIE BUSINESS

EXT. SWIRLY CHOCOLATE FACTORY MAIN FLOOR - DAY

Doug surveys the gruesome scene before him: a man dressed in a bright orange suit at the end of the conveyer belt, his head violently shoved into the machine that places the wrapping onto the chocolate bars. Blood has gushed from everywhere. A large number of unwrapped chocolate bars have piled up at the man's feet, intermingling with the blood. Of his head, only a tuft of white hair can be seen. Blood eminates from it, like strawberry syrup on vanilla ice cream.

DOUG

(to self)

Mr. Swirly.

LT. VALENTINO

That's right. Getting his ears lowered, you might say.

Crime scene investigators are snapping Polaroid pictures of the scene. Valentino and Doug step away from the scene.

LT. VALENTINO (CONT.)

He was found by the workers when they came in for work in the morning. Total morale killer.

Valentino pauses a moment and lets out a hacking cough, which has a distinctive honking noise.

DOUG

Geshundheit.

LT. VALENTINO

The night watchman was found roughed up and tied up in a broom closet. No signs of a break-in.

DOUG

But who would want to kill Mr. Swirly? Old man probably never even hurt a fly.

LT. VALENTINO

The world of candy manufacturing isn't as sweet as you might think. It's not all lollipops and chocolate waterfalls. No, the candy industry is as bloodthirsty as any other business.

He reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a chocolate bar. He starts unwrapping it.

LT. VALENTINO (CONT.)

Here's food for thought. Notice anything... funny about this, Funnie?

He hands Doug the candy bar. Doug takes a small bite, chewing it slowly.

DOUG

It tastes... it tastes like cement.

LT. VALENTINO

Exactly. Whoever was running this factory clearly didn't care about quality control. Follow me.

INT. FACTORY FLOOR - DAY

Doug and Valentino step onto a catwalk overlooking vats of chocolate. Valentino gestures to something off screen.

LT. VALENTINO

Look over there.

DOUG

Oh my God.

A cement mixer is hooked up to the assembly line below.

DOUG (CONT.)

It... it is cement!

But... but why would Swirly...

LT. VALENTINO

That's just it, Funnie! Swirly is the number-one supplier of chocolate in the tri-county area. If word got out that Swirly was putting cement in his chocolate, that would create a PR flap so huge it would make the Lucky Duck Monster look like a French poodle. Swirly would be out of business faster than you can say "Sky Davis Inflatable Air Jets."

DOUG

And one of his competitors would take over the market.

LT. VALENTINO

Exactly.

Doug looks down at one of the chocolate vats below. One of them gurgles.

DOUG

One of them must have been behind this. But how could they have done this? And where did they get all that cement?

LT. VALENTINO

Obviously they had someone working on the inside. That's how the cement mixer was put in without anyone noticing. As for the cement mixer itself...

DOUG

(after a beat)

The Klotzini Family.

Valentino honks in the affirmative.

DOUG

But why are you telling me all this?  I told you, I'm through with the homicide business.

LT. VALENTINO

There's something more sinister at play here. A third of the boys back at the Department are in Klotzini's pocket, and at least another third of them are just a bunch of fuck-ups and derelicts. You're the only man I trust.

DOUG

Skeeter, I'm in no shape to--

LT. VALENTINO

You got that right, Doug, I can smell the scotch on your breath.

But you know what they say: when you're feeling kind of cruddy, you best stick right by your buddy.

Doug smiles.

LT. VALENTINO (CONT.)

So... you'll take the case?

DOUG

I'll take the case.

The two friends shake hands. An officer runs in from the factory floor.

OFFICER

Lieutenant, you might wanna take a look at this!

INT. SWIRLY CHOCOLATE FACTORY MAIN FLOOR - DAY

Doug and Valentino follow the officer down the stairs and back towards the crime scene.

OFFICER

We found something. We think it might be a clue.

The other officers are huddled around the crime scene. They step away as they see Valentino approaching.

LT. VALENTINO

What is it?

A crime scene investigator is on his knees. He holds up something brown in a gloved hand. Valentino and Doug peer in for a closer look.

DOUG

(murmuring)

A feather.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR

A quail feather, if I'm not mistaken.